iReview: Joanne – Lady Gaga

Okay. Hi.

You know what I’ll just skip the ramblings to the end of this post, because 1) I’ll be boring off half of my potential readers and 2) I’m too lazy to even begin writing them tbh. Oh and 3) we have an emergency on our hands and it is that LADY FUCKING GAGA HAS JUST RELEASED HER FIRST POP ALBUM SINCE 2013, A DAY I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR SINCE WELL 2013. All the anticipation has built up to this point, and I can not be more ready. FUN FACT: last year in April, I opened my diary at a random page and marked it down, saying THIS is when I will hear LG5. That day was October 22nd. Ladies and gentlemen, I am a psychic. I honestly, HONESTLY still don’t believe this day has come.

HIT ME WITH ‘EM, GAGA.

In this post, I will be doing a track-by-track review/reaction to Lady Gaga’s newest studio album, Joanne, out October 21st. Its title references Gaga’s middle name, and her late aunt who passed away in 1974 because of lupus after she had been sexually assaulted. This is Gaga’s most stripped back, personal album yet, according to her.

So…

HEEEEERE WE GO! (yes yes I have heard A-YO already.)

iReview: Joanne – Lady Gaga

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1- Diamond Heart:

Let’s go omfg

Is this a piano?

YOUNG WILD AMERICAN ALREADY ICONIC

YYYYYAAAAAAAAASSSSSS GOGO’IN go back to those roots Gags

Asshole broke her in? Rape?..

THAT HOOK

IM SHOOK

YOUUUUUNG WIL AMERICAAAAAAAAAN I KNEW ITS ICONIC

Wait Diamond Heart isn’t about her engagement ring? Right…

Can we talk about her vocals? Where do you hear vocals like these on any female album these days. SH00K

YAAAASSSS BRIDGE

I always said I hate guitar+drums driven songs but this is FUCKING GOOD

Maybe because it’s Gaga and I’m biased but YES

Amazing way to start the album.

2- A-YO:

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa we go

Blow it ur face

Blow it in ur face

Blow it in ur blow it in ur face

This is so FUN. YES.

The beat sounds familiar but in the good way.

AYO AYO

WE SMOKIN EM ALL

A.k.a the Chainsmokers who had shit to say about her in the press. What’s good? She ended those rats. Anyway.

You can’t NOT dance to this song! My body is involuntarily shaking.

SLAYO SLAYOH

A

YO

AYO

This is a BOP.

3-Joanne:

Okay… I did not expect these ‘drumsies’.

Wait where is the piano? THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR

Why is this melody so… Uplifting? Her aunt just died.

Girl… Where do you think you’re goin’? (with this melody)

This sounds… Off. It’s a song about her aunt who died… It should feel sadder. It made people cry. Why am I not crying? I’M HERE TO CRY.

The chorus is really beautiful though, no question.

Alright, the more I listen to this song… I get it. The emotion is ‘implicit’. Her vocal delivery was done in one take according to her. I can feel her pain.

I need to give her a hug.

 

4- John Wayne:

BYE BYE HUG

HELLO JOHN WAYNE (btw notice how it sounds like ‘Joanne’ ‘John Wayne’ is this intentional?)

THAT SCREAMMM YASS MAMA

GO FASTER

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

I DID NOT SEE THAT CHORUS COMING

OH NO OH NO

ITS HAPPENING

MY WEAVE IS BEING SNATCHED

EVERY FOLLICLE

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS THE CHORUS AGAIN I STILL HAVENT RECOVERED FROM THE FIRST TIME

Hands down my favorite so far.

I WAS NOT READY FOR THIS BRIDGE

NO

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS FEELS LIKE A MOVIE CLIMAX

I want to scream JOHN WAYNE with her but my parents are sleeping so

Please hire this producer for the entirety of the next album

5- Dancin’ In Circles:

WHAT

WHAT IS THIS

WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO HIT ME WITH THIS FAME MONSTER THROWBACK??a!?!??qSJHA

This feels like a Sia song. I LOVE A SIA SONG.

The prechorus! Amazing.

YES THE HOOK AGAIN

LET’S FUNK DOWNTOWN

Am I the only one who feels like these songs are going way too fast? Like I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO PROCESS THE SLAYAGE

Gaga thank you for this So Happy I Could Die 2.0 yes thanks yes

Vanish as I touch myself? THAT CUTESY VOICE FAMEGA IT IS REALLY YOU

OOOOOOHHHHH THE FUCKING HIGH NOTES AT THE END

SSSSSSHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

This is such a dancey song. I LIVE.

6- Perfect Illusion:

AND HERE COME THE GUITAR RIFFS

AAAAEEIINWWHHHH

One month later and this song is still amazing. Of course you’d know that if I fucking UPDATED MY BLOG THEN but oh well.

IT WASN’T LAAAAAAAAAAAAHV

IT WASN’T LAAAAAAAAAAAAHV

IT WAS A PERFECT ILLUSION

Like some people actually don’t like this.

HOW.

BE ASHAMED.

And now the part with the background vocals that slay the entire universe

IN A MODERN ECSTASY

Her vocals are just UGH. I remember when I heard this the first time when it was released and how amazed I was.

GAGA

IS

BACK.

AND HERE COMES THE KEYCHANGE OF THE CENTURYYYYYYYYYY

And my favorite part: *dumdumdumdumdum* IILLLUUSIOOOOOONNNN

Still slays. Ugh.

7-Million Reasons:

Another one I have already heard a lot, and memorized.

Can we just appreciate this stripped back Gaga? We all asked for it. She might not be here for long so enjoy ha while she lasts.

The emotion in her voice is breathtaking. And that chorus hits you like one of her 5 vintage cars.

The best thing about this song for me is how I can sing the background vocals with her. I love background vocals. I feel special when I sing them. No I cannot explain this.

STAAAAAAAAYAHAAAAAAAAAAAAYAAAAAAAHAAAAY

Breaks my heart to her her crying out like this. I’LL MEND UR BROKEN HEART MOM

Her voice…

Her fucking voice.

8- Sinners’ Prayer:

Lol sounds like Dangerous Woman is about to start

BUT THIS AINT NO DANGEROUS WOMAN

IT’S A DANGEROUSLY SLAYFUL BASSLINE

YES. I LIVE.

The vibe of this song is so captivating.

THE CHORUS. Can we just appreciate the chorus? WOW. It takes you on a ride in a few seconds. The melody changes from cheerful to somber back to hopeful then again to dark IN A MATTER OF SECONDS.

WOW

I am so impressed with this. And some people dismissed it as a ‘country song’.

Man, this album may just make me listen to country.

‘I can carry you but not your ghosts’. Tumblr here we come

YESSSS GO UP THAT OCTAVE

Goodasgoodasgoodasgoodasgoooooooooooooooooooooooooooold

Beautiful song.

And this BASSLINE AGAIN. YES.

9- Come To Mama:

Okay the title already has me shook.

YES BORN THIS WAY TEAS LYRICSWISE

Wait what jungle? Gags wyd

Gogogogggoround

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS MAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

COME TO MAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

YES THE BACKGROUND VOCALS IN THE CHORUS

Comeontomammma

Commonmmaammmaaaa

Wow. WOW. The lyrics though!

She’s talking about a scientist vs. a believer… The scientist = uses prism in physics. The believer = he believes in Noah’s arc (not really though but okay). But both result in… Rainbows! YES GAGAAAAAAAAA

THIS SONG IS SO MARIAH CAREY

HOLIDAYSY

AND I LOVE IT

Wait 3 verses?

THE ONLY PRISONS THAT EXIST ARE ONES WE PUT EACH OTHER IN

TAKE THAT TUMBLR. QUOTE THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HER VOCALS

LOOK WHAT THAT RAINBOW DID

The ending. This IS Mariah Carey ugh YES

IM COMING MAMA

10- Hey Girl (featuring Florence Welsh):

3 SECONDS IN AND IM MOVING LIKE A CHARMED SNAKE

THIS BEAT. THIS BEAAAAAAAT

OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

FLORENCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

HER VOCALS ARE AMAZING AS ALWAYS

FIT SO BEAUTIFULLY WITH THIS SONG I CANT IM SHOOK SO SHOOK YESSS SHOOK

Their voices go so well together!

AND THIS FUCKING MELODY IT PUTS ME IN A TRANCE WOW JUST WOW I CANT STOP SWAYING

Personal thank you to Florence who probably is responsible for the amazing harps in this.

Does anyone notice the amazing strange synths in the background?!

Yep in the second chorus they are more than noticeable.

ARE THEY SINGING TOGETHER?!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

OH MY GOD FLORENCE’S BACKGROUND VOCALS OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD SHE SOUNDS OTHERWORDLY

This fucking song. The melody. The production. The message. The two FUCKING BADASSES SINGING IT.

THE BACKGROUND FORENCE OH’S ONCE AGAIN AHHHH

Iconic.

11- Angel Down:

And here come the emotions. This is about Trayvon Martin.

Yep. The intro alone is amazing.

WOW HER VOICE. IT SOUNDS LIKE SHE’S WHISPERING MY EAR.

I need a moment. I’m in awe.

Okay. Who produced this? I love you.

The lyrics are so touching. With that production, man I feel like going on a midnight walk and crying.

The chorus is unexpected. The sounds are angelic. This is not your regular ballad. This is much more.

GAGA GOES LANA. I’M SO HERE FOR IT. OOOHOOOHOOOO

OHHH ‘CHAOS’! CHAOS ANGEL! THESE WERE NOT RUMORS! OMG

Wow. What just happened?

The outro… it’s like a broken music box… I love this so fucking much.

WHOW THERE IT JUST ENDED SO ABRUPTLY.

Is it like a metaphor to sudden death?

Oh Joanne…

12- Grigio Girls:

This is the song about her best friend Sonja having cancer… here it goes.

Wait she’s that much older? 12 years? She looks much younger…

Okay… I kind of expected a bigger chorus…

The production sounds like it’s struggling to pick up. A shame. The lyrics are beautiful.

Watch your blues turn gold…

Make it all make sense…

Yep here are the feels.

AWWWWWWW SHE IS SO CUTE IN THAT BRIDGE

YAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSS THE SQUAD IS HEREEEEEEEEEE

Why do they sound like they have swallowed helium?

Lol of course Gaga had to outsing them all.

SQUAD GOALZZZZZZZ

Okay there’s a laugh at the end that is just creepy as fuck.

13- Just Another Day:

Yes this is the one I heard her sing live on the radio!

BACK TO HER RED AND BLUE ROOTS AND I’M SO SURPRISED I LOVE IT SO MUCH! YES!

This song is just so cute oh my god!

And after all… it’s just another day!

Okay tho but is that like a sax, a guitar, a synth, a dying cockroach…

YESSSSSSS BRIAN’S TRUMPETS SOUND SO GREAT

I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH YAS GAGA VOCALS MAMA

I can just imagine her smiling and singing this in her studio. She’s happy. I’m happy.

14- Angel Down (Work Tape):

Oh, a more stripped down piano/guitar version. I like that! I wish there was one for Joanne.

I confess I like the original better, the production really adds to it.

BUT.

VO

FUCKING

CALS.

SHE SOUNDS LITERALLY LIKE THE MOTHER OF ANGELS CRYING OUT FOR HER ANGELS.

When did she record this? She sounds different than how she did the rest of the album… so RAW. So PASSIONATE.

THOSE SCREAMS. I’d rather save an angel down.

And… it’s over.

_

Wow.

This was what I call a fucking EXPEDITION.

The opening track couldn’t have set the tone better.

The title track felt anticlimactic at first, but it gets catchier, deeper and more meaningful with each listen.

Then it’s a string off amazing fun bops to dance to before Gaga hits us with the more ‘serious’ stuff.

The world is full of deceptions, things you never knew would turn out to just be illusions.

The world is full of people who will drive you insane, but who you can’t get away from.

The world is full of hatred and ignorance, humans who are destroying each other and themselves over their clash of ideas.

The world is full of women who are willing to step on each other to reach their wants, in a world still ruled by men, instead of helping each other up.

The world is full of innocent people who are dying every single day because of political agendas and inequality.

And we all just stand around.

This album was something I’ve been waiting to hear for eternity. And I’m finally blessed to do so. I’d never have expected something so powerful and deep from Gaga. She outdid herself, she surprised me and many, many others. It’s truly one of the highlights of her career. She has worked so hard to get here, and seeing her finally make the music SHE wants to make, is more than what I could ever ask for.

I’m in love with this music. Thank you, Gaga. Keep doing what you do.

Joanne is extremely proud of you.

Score: 9.5/10

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Okay, so time for the promised ramblings. I have been beating myself up for not updating my blog for the past few months. The longer it went, the more urgent a ‘comeback’ felt, and the more hard it seemed to be to make. I couldn’t just turn up out of the blue uninvited and I couldn’t stay away like I never said goodbye (yes I know these are not the right lyrics but it had to fit the situation I’m talking about okay?). It had to be something BIG. HUGE. AND LET’S BE HONEST. IT DOESN’T GET HUGER THAN THIS.

I’m truly feeling bad about abandoning this blog with no notice like that. I want to write a second post explaining everything but I just *know* I’ll slack off and not do it. So I’ll try to put it all in here. After I quit my summer job, I spent one AMAZING month, and I was preparing for Blogwarts. Then I got caught up in it, and school started, my FINAL YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL BEFORE COLLEGE ASDFGHJKL SO YEAH I’m overswamped with work, and that’s apart from extracurricular things like piano lessons and choir practice. Random thought, I really need to start working out tbh, I can’t keep feeling depressed every time I see a naked torso. So yeah.

I WANT TO BE BACK HERE SO BAD I MISS YOU ALL SO FUCKING MUCH. But I’m even slacking off my school work, what about this blog lololololol

Maybe I’ll start slacking off my school work with this blog? I HOPE SO! At least that’d be productive.

Okay, Goodnight! I have to listen to Mariah Carey’s earlier stuff, man where have I been she slayz. BuhByE

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iReview: 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher

Ya know what? Fuck the maths exams. I’m doing this.

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As I mentioned in my last post, last week, I read Thirteen Reasons Why. I had bought it at the previous Bookyard and I couldn’t wait to finally read it. I dropped Adultery because it was downright boring and started it.

I was immediately sucked in. A dead girl sending cassettes to those who made her take her own life? GEEZ!

It was really such an original concept, the kind that just makes you want to find out more. Instead of chapters, each part of the book was a different side of the cassettes. I mean even if the story was a horrible mess, I think I’d have read it.

The good thing was, the story was not at all a horrible mess.

It talks about a teenager, Clay Jensen, who one day found a box of cassette tapes on his doorstep, numbered 1 to 13, with no explicit instructions. He popped the tape numbered “1” into the player, and was welcomed by the voice of Hannah Baker, his classmate and crush, who had commited suicide two weeks ago. She said that there are 13 reasons why she killed herself, and if he listened through all of the tapes he’d find out where his part in her story comes. He then will have to mail the tapes to the person who follows in the story, just like the person who preceded mailed them to him.

Clay then embarks on a journey, wandering through town, following a map Hannah had left him before her death marking all the ‘hot spots’ in her story, while listening to every tape and learning more and more about why the girl he once loved decided to take her own life.

This book was by far one of the best I’ve read in a while. The story is unbelievably compelling. I could literally not put it down. During the two days it took me to finish it, I had rehearsals for a show the school was putting up. The book was constantly with me and I read as much as I could between every break, so much I wanted to know what happened next. If you’re looking for a thrilling read, definitely pick it up.

And the message. God. It will make you rethink the whole way you treat everyone around you. Everything you do, every little thing you think is insignificant, can change someone else’s life forever. And this is not forever in the exaggerated sense, which I totally despise, but in the literal one. As in, that person could die, and they’ll stay dead forever.

Hannah’s reasons, taken apart individually, might seem like everyday life issues to some. “Not worthy of suicide”. But put together, they really tell a heart-wrenching story that has happened countless times before and is happening right now.

Each and every one of us could be Hannah. Everything that happened to Hannah wasn’t a product of special circumstances. These are things that happen in our every day life, that we often overlook. Spreading a stupid rumor. Throwing a hurtful joke. Rating people on their appearance. Using someone for your own benefit. (Along with many other things I will not mention to avoid any spoilers)

Reading this book will make you open your eyes and notice all the small details, and all the people affected by them. And you will know what to do about it.

And if you’re on the other side of the road, if you’re relating to Hannah, it will make you realize that you are not alone. You’re never alone. And you’ll always find someone who cares.

The last couple of chapters made me very emotional. And the author couldn’t have gone with a better ending to get the true message through.

In the subsequent few days, I found myself inexplicably sad. But it was a good kind of sad. You know it, the beautiful kind of sadness, that you don’t want to let go, that makes you want to cry while listening to Lana Del Rey and looking at old pictures.

That’s how that book made me feel. And I BEG you, if you have read any books that made you feel the same way, PLEASE recommend them to me. Because I’m craving that feeling.

Finally, this book should be a must read. Everyone can benefit from it, and I’m going to lend it to as many friends as I can. Jay Asher did a beautiful job, and it’s a shame he doesn’t have a lot more novels to his name. I recommend this for all of you, and I hope this novel will strike all the chords it struck with me.

Rating: 5/5.

SELP HELF BY MIRANDA SINGS! (iReview Special)

ASDFGHJKLASDFGHJKL

I’M OFFICIALLY DEAD.

IT’S HERE!!!!1!1!11@1!

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LOOK HOW PERFECT IT IS (〒︿〒)

Ever since I heard the news that Miranda would be releasing a book about half a year ago, I have been dreaming of the moment when I finally lay hands upon this splendid piece of art.

It was released in July, around my birthday. I was secretly hoping I would get it as a gift, but it wasn’t even available in my country at that time.

I kept checking with the (only) local bookshop and they still didn’t have it in stock… Until one glorious day! But the price was fucking 25$. I could not bring myself to pay that sum, because 1) I really don’t have that much money to spare and 2) I knew that this wasn’t the final price because it’s just been released and also I doubt anyone from here watches Miranda, let alone be ready to pay for her book. 

I was actually right: I checked a few weeks ago and it had went down to 20$. For some reason I thought it was much more affordable and reasonable than 25$.

I decided that I was going to wait until the Bookyard (a monthly event where book nerds exchange/buy/sell books that I’ve talked about in my last post), make some money and buy it. Unfortunately, the Bookyard got postponed for 3 weeks later. 

At first I was like meh okay. But, as I was once sitting and doing nothing, an unexplicable impulse seized me and I just felt the need to own that book in the very moment. I didn’t try to stop myself – usually in these situations I like to see how far I’m willing to go.

I dialled the bookstore and said ‘Hi. I want Selp-Helf by Miranda Sings.’

‘Self help?’

‘Um no… Selp Helf… They’re like the letters they are scrambled in the end like… It’s a um kinda humor book… Do you have it?’

At that point, the effects of my crazy-impulsive-moment had completely worn off and were replaced by utter embarassment.

‘Yep, we found it in our catalogue.’

‘Really?!’ I was submerged by relief. I’m not crazy, yay!

I ordered the book and they told me they’d call me on the following Monday if it came.

Once it was Monday, I immediately went to the store after school without them calling me. I was right to do so, because it had come!

I was so emotional. The moment I saw the book I felt such a wave of joy, and also a huge need to burst out laughing. I was grinning without even meaning to, and as I paid for my book I could tell from the workers’ amused smirks at the shop that they were thinking what the fuck is wrong with this kid. I was in no position to care, though.

I got out of the store holding the book like a new born, and got in the car. My mom told me to show her what I got, and I showed her, and she was like ‘*gasp* don’t tell me it’s that stupid girl you watch!’ And I was like ‘yeah’ and she was like ‘shit’ (just kidding, but she must have thought it).

As soon as I got home, I… Wait, I’ll let you guess:

a) Started reading the book like there’s no tomorrow

b) Displayed the book on a high shelf and let it rest there till I have time to read

c) Started taking selfies with the book like any normal person would do

I’m normal, so I chose (c)

Out of all the pictures I had fun taking, this one is the least embarrassing, and still I’m sure I’ll regret posting it a few seconds later:

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Lol at me trying to pull off a Miranda expression while still not looking like a crazy psycho

Then I started reading.

JUST KIDDING! I wasn’t gonna do that yet because I’m not a basic bitch, so I took the book (rhymes lolz) on a house tour. I’ll post some of our most memorable and captivating moments sometime later because my internet decided to be shitty and not upload my photos.

For real now, after that I had to start reading.

I had one fear: that I’d finish the whole thing in one sitting! 

The book is 240 pages long, but the writing in it covers about 40. I’m not complaining, because the pictures make it even better and miranda-like, but I didn’t want it to just end like that! So I gave myself the rule of not reading more than 20-30 pages per day. 

That was a hard task, because the book just FORCES you to turn the pages. IT’S SO ENTERTAINING!

ESPECIALLY that, as you may or may not know, I had no phone for the two weeks following my purchase of the book, so I literally had nothing else to entertain myself with.
The book really is hilarious. I respected my limit (sometimes going just a tiny bit over), and I still enjoyed it a lot. I feel like I finished it at the perfect moment, because it was just after the Bookyard, so I had other books to be excited about (ugh I can’t wait to show you).

I think I will be posting some of the funniest pages sometime in the future, when I (inevitably) reread it. 

I recommend this book to every Miranda fan out there, obviously, and also to people who appreciate dark silly humor and are patient and kind enough for Miranda and her life-changing advice. If you don’t take no bullshit from no one and have no time for this type of things, don’t bother because it’s not for you.

Finally, I give this book 5 out of 5 lisstiks 💋💋💋💋💋

HATERZ BACKOFF!

iReview: American Horror Story: Hotel – Season 5 – Episode 1

THE WAIT IS FINALLY OVERRR OMGYAS

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For those of you who have read certain posts of mine, you’d have noticed by now that I’m a huge fan of Lady Gaga. She’s so freakin fab! I promised once that I’d write a post about how we crossed paths, but I don’t think now’s the appropriate time for other multi-part life stories of mine. 

Last February, it was announced, in true Gaga fashion, that she would be starring in the upcoming first season of American Horror Story entitled HOTEL. The fandom, and the interwebz as a whole, went wild.

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I myself wasn’t a huge horror fan and had never watched any AHS episode, but the prospect of watching Gaga grow into an actress on TV was so exciting. Plus, has there even been a better match than Gaga and Horror? Most of her music videos would fit seemlessly in any horror flick. She has a very dark and wicked side and it’s one of the things I love best about her.

As the months went by, we sat there waiting for updates. Lately, these weren’t hard to come by. In fact, every other day there seemed to be new teasers and spoilers appearing. It was soon known that Gaga would be playing Elizabeth, the owner of Hotel Cortez. Plus, she’s apparently a blood-sucker. Cool. 

Well, it sounded cool at first. But when I came to know that they actually are filming a foursome scene involving her and her lover slaughtering their partners and feasting on their blood, my excitement turned into anxiousness.

I wasn’t really a big fan of blood and gore. There’s a reason why I refuse to become a doctor in the future, or why I rarely watch any horror films. Will I be able to cope with these scenes? Or will I just stop watching after the first episode or two despite Gaga being in it?

Still, all of that didn’t stop be from being eager to watch that first episode.

On the 7th of October, it finally premiered. But I was sleeping when it aired. So I waited until the next day after school to watch. I gathered my laptop, earphones and an assortment of horribly unhealthy snacks and clicked that mothaeffin play button.

It all starts out with two blonde tourists stepping out of a cab to check into the Hotel Cortez. From the moment I laid eyes on them, I knew, I just knew that they were gonna die in a matter of hours. The limited experience that I earned from the few horror flicks I’ve watched had taught me enough.

So they step into the hotel, and the lobby is completely empty. It’s dark, but has an air of grandeur and class to it.

They went up to the reception desk to check in. There was no one there. They rang the bell, apparently more times than they should have, according to the receptionist who goes by Iris (played by Kathy Bates). 

She leads them to their room, while informing them that the hotel has no cell service or wifi. If it were me, I’d have been out of there in a matter of seconds.

They see little creepy pale kids standing in the hallways, but that doesn’t seem to bother them too much.

Once they’re in their room, they smell a rotting ‘animal’, which turns out to be a murderous mutant-human-goblin-creature-thingy that has been living in their mattress. 

So what do they do? They just move into another room, like any sane person would do in such a situation. It’s Room 64. Remember that room.

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So everything seems to be going alright. That’s until one of the girls wakes up to find the little creepy kids casually eating her friend in the bathroom. No biggie.

I’m watching. While I’m interested in the story, I also start to wonder where Gaga is. Isn’t she supposed to be important? Am I watching the wrong show?

At long last, the Countess (Gaga) is introduced in the most fabulous of ways. She’s shown getting ready for something, while snorting up an amount of meth that would make even Jesse Pinkman gape. (Please tell me someone gets that reference.)

So she’s finally ready, and so is her partner, Donovan (Matt Bomer). They have such a strong sex appeal together. Amazing match.

So these two seem to be heading out for an open-air movie night. There, they meet (well, technically, make creepy eye contact with) a couple, and they start smirking at each other. Finally, Gaga starts to pretend she’s licking an invisible vagina, and the other couple takes it as cue to go with Gaga and Donovan, two complete strangers who look somewhat medieval. They didn’t even know where they were taking them. They just seemed to enjoy vagina-licking imitations.

Gagz takes them to the Hotel, naturally. By the way, she’s the owner.

The three of them who aren’t Gaga are seen laying naked on a kind sized bed. Then, Gaga appears.

Appears is a big understatement: Gaga fucking makes an ENTRANCE up in this bitch. She’s wearing nothing but her wavy blonde locks on her shoulders, a beautiful black see-through Alexandre McQueen veil all over her, a huge diamond necklace, tiny black panties, and diamond pasties for modesty.

Naturally, the veil comes off. She climbs into the bed, and then the four of them start doing what any four people in a bed would do. Hint: it’s not talking about the weather.

Then, midway through, Gaga and Matt exchange meaningful glances and then suddenly slash the poor other couple’s throats. The foursome soon turns into a massive blood fest. Even though I already knew that was coming from the teasers, it was still shocking to watch.

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Meanwhile, our tourists are being held captive by Iris in some sort of medieval torturing devices. I don’t know if I missed something, but somehow the girl who was being eaten by the children looked like she had never been eaten by anything or anyone. (I know what you’re thinking pervs. Shame on you. And yes I do think she has been.)

Out of nowhere, a crazy chic called Sally appears (Sarah Paulson) and demands to feed the girls. For some reason Iris gets all mad and bitchy and says ‘fine feed them if ur so insistant u bitch’ and leaves. Sally lets one of the girls escape, again for no apparent reason (now I get why this show has confused so many).

Fortunately, the Countess happened to be standing in the doorway and again casually slashed the girl’s throat as she tried to run (told you she’d be dying). 

All of this is sort of an introductory plot, I guess… Because the main plot seems to be about a detective who has been trying to catch a maniac killer who takes the 10 Commandments very, very seriously. Take adultery. He had found a non-married couple having sex, so what does he do? Plants an arrow through the woman’s torso, killing her, takes out the eyeballs and the tongue of the man who is 1) still alive and 2) still ‘inside’ the woman. Oh, and he also nails their hands to the wall.

I guess he didn’t get the memo that killing is the most awful sin of them all. 

Anyway, this detective starts receiving calls from the killer, and all the signs point to Hotel Cortez. So he decides to move there to continue his investigation. Oh, and which room does he take? 

Room 64.

Also, that detective happens to have a missing son called Holden, who we discover has been ‘adopted’ by the Countess. He lives with his siblings in a secret kid room at the hotel filled with video games and candy. One more reason for me to wish Gaga would adopt me some day.

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There are many other disturbing things that take place throughout the episode, like a little girl walking into a room to find two men hanging from the cealing with their guts wrenched out of their bodies, or a Hotel maid casually cleaning blood off sheets like she does this every day (Blood Still Stains When The Sheets Are Washed, anyone?) and most importantly a guy being raped by a featureless zombie monster with a drill-bit penis.

Oh, and there’s this thing where 20-something years ago Sally kills Donovan, and Iris kills Sally because Donovan was her son, but they’re still alive somehow and haven’t aged. My guess is that they’re some sort of solid ghosts. There’s also a theory out there that no one can die in the Hotel – they just turn immortal.

Yup. Mindfuck.

But the complication only makes it more compelling for me. I love a good mystery.

While there has been much I wasn’t fond of in these scenes, and even some that made me look away, it was so captivating. I’m guessing they chose to tell their story with horror elements because it keeps the viewer interested. It sure worked.

Gaga was absolutely amazing in her role, and by the looks of it, her next performances will be even more majestic.

I can’t wait for this Thursday afternoon to watch the second episode! And the next. And the next next.

I recommend this show to all Gaga fans, all horror fans and AHS fans. Also,  for those who like dark themes and have no problem with graphic violence.

What is your opinion of this first episode of AHS: Hotel? Are you going to be renewing your residency at Hotel Cortez, or will you check out at the nearest opportunity?

However, remember… “You can check-out any time you like, but you can never leave!

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Alright, now it’s time to ruin your childhood:

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iReview: BADLANDS by Halsey

Good evening, young lads and ladies!

A while ago, when I reviewed Cry Baby by Melanie Martinez, a fellow blogger and music lover gxxdbyeagony (check out her blog!) suggested that if I liked Melanie’s music, I’d love this artist called Halsey. I looked her up, saw that he had just dropped her first album and that many other people compared her to Melanie, who I loved. So I downloaded the album, and have been eager but reluctant to hear it.

First off, I don’t want to let go of my precious Cry Baby just yet. And I also was afraid that I just wouldn’t connect with this and understand it like I did with Cry Baby, which was all coherent and clear.

Nevertheless, I want to see – or listen, for that matter – for myself and make my own opinion. Who knows, maybe I’ll love it!

Leggo:

1-Castle

Okay… Spooky…

Wow. Awesome beat.

Is this opera? Church choir? What is this?

Oh god, her voice sounds just like Melanie! Which is certainly a good thing.

I feel like this is the grown up version of Cry Baby? (the album I mean. Maybe it’s too early to judge)

I think I’m going to read the lyrics as I listen, much more easy to understand.

I wasn’t wrong. This is about the industry and its rulers and she just wants to break free from them and do whatever the hell she wants. The people want her to be their ‘queen’ but the ‘man’ won’t let her. So she broke free, and now her ‘neck is open wide, begging for a fist around it’. These are great lyrics.

You go girl! Great album starter.

2-Hold Me Down

Okay… Still kinda crybabyish… 

Is this about kidnapping or sexual assault like in Tag, You’re it? Nah I feel like there’s something else…

Hmmmmmm

I can’t help but thinking of ‘Nobbareh Nobbareh can drag me downnn’. Damn you 1D.

Wow. Well, at first this song confused me. But it still has one of the most infectious pop beats I’ve heard recently.

Upon re-listen, I find that this song is kind of a follow up to Castle. She’s free, she’s trying to reach the top, but something’s holding her down. Is it me, or do I see no sign of resistance? Is she just giving in to her demons?

I guess we’ll find out later.

3-New Americana

Balenciaga! I know this brand! I think.

Oh my god I love this chorus.

This is the best rhyming ever. Americana and Marijuana. She knows her shit.

GOSH I LOVE HOW SHE SAYS AMERICANA

The production is just awesome. Beautiful. Love it. 

I think this is throwing shade at America/ns more than being a pride anthem? I’m not sure. 

Or she may be talking about how SHE grew up and rose to fame… Or she could just be naming the things that have been made famous in America -or made America famous- like Nirvana, the fashion brands, Football teams, gay marriage, bubblegum pop… 

Maybe it’s a mix of them all?

4-Drive

OMG YASSSS

THIS IS GREATNESSS

The music is just so rustic and creepy and old-school-horror-movie-y.

Oh yas gurl preach. As I said it before, this girl knows her shit. All we do is sit and drive and feel all the feels.

Noooo. You disappointed me a little. I don’t really like these songs that go like ‘and we say aaaaahhhhohhhhh’ like really? What is that supposed to mean?

The second verse has so much sounds. It’s really like a movie.

Wait who is this guy?

Does anyone feel like there’s a guy singing with her in the chorus? Or maybe that’s her lower-pitched voice… Either way, the effect is great and this sounds epic.

Twitwututwitwutu

What’s happening? This is weird. This is the album version of a horror movie.

LOVE IT.

5-Hurricane

The chorus is great… but I almost feel like it’s the same as another song before?

But I say that at the first listen of every album. I’ll get over that later.

There are just too many echoes and sounds and buzzes… it’s hypnotic. I love that little whistling sound.

I still feel like this is Melanie’s voice and it’s so amazing how they’re not the same person.

OH GOD YES

EARGASM

The last bit of chorus is so full of goodness. It’s dreamy. More like nightmareish. But in the good way. Eerie.

Now, I don’t really get where she went with this right away. At first I thought she’s being sexually exploited, but then in the chorus it turns out that she’s some sort of gypsy who goes around fucking everyone because she can and causing storms and hurricanes. And she must have something special about her, because men are literally begging her to destroy them.

The grim music fits the lyrics perfectly. 

6-Roman Holiday

Wait. Roman holiday… I thought Nicki Minaj invented that name? so it’s a real thing?

Oh well.

At least there are no horrible singing voices in this one telling roman to take his medication.

Wait… did I not hear the roman holiday part or does she not even mention it?

Shush im trying to concentrate.

Yup there it is. Let’s get away on a roman holiday.

The song is pretty straightforward, it’s just about two friends/lovers escaping their lives for a short time, going on a ‘holiday’.

ORRR... This could very well be a break-up track. Going on a holiday could be a metaphor for taking a break from the relationship. This makes more sense if you look at the verses’ lyrics.

This song sounds like a movie soundtrack. Like the part where they’re all happy and carefree until something dreadful happens.

Let’s hope it’s not foreboding for the next song.

7-Ghost

Nope. This one isn’t dreadful. At all. It’s pretty great actually.

It’s also the first one where I could clearly make out the lyrics by myself.

I don’t undertand. Does she love him? Did she love him but not anymore? Did he change?

Ohhh yeah I get it. Nice comparison. His former self is dead. He has changed and she can’t recognize the man she once loved. He has ‘a million number’ on his phone, which means the douchebag is probably off screwing other girls.

8- Colors

This is like a mix of Dollhouse and Sippy Cup. UHMAZING!

Oh my gosh! In the chorus she now sounds like Taylor Swift!

I love it so much. Bluuuuuuuuuuhouwowuhuu (or at least I think its what shes saying)

Wait. He has grey hair? Is this about a creepy grandpa?

I love all the use of color in here!

I wish she had called this song Blue. Then I could have two of my favorite songs called Blue (this and Marina’s).

This is the song I’m having most trouble understanding.

In a weird way, it sounds as though she’s talking to -or about- a fictional character from a book. It’s probably not that but it makes sense with the lyrics! And I’d love it if anyone would actually make a song about being in love with a fictional character. Ah…

9-Colors, pt. 2

Wait I thought this was supposed to be a second part, so like it connects to the previous one?

This one is just sad and scary… no color. Like at all.

Ohhh there it is. Everything is-

What? Everything is what?

OH MY GOD. Another eargasm. This is like a twisted remix. I’m not sure which I prefer. Both perfect!

10-Strange Love

Yassssss. Awesome beat to match the title.

Wow. That was straightforward.

Yep. Just fuck em all. Nun o’ their bidness.

Ouuhh she’s afraid of speaking his name. Is he Voldemort?

This is one of the more subdued songs on here. But it’s still kinda crazy.

The song’s meaning is very clear. Everyone wants to know about her lovelife. She just doesn’t want anyone to know because it’s really none of their business. Glad she’s taking a stand.

11-Coming Down

Badlands radio? What?

Ohh the name of the album.

Okay.

This is comparing her love to religion.

Like literally everything in this song is religious references in a relationship. Quite interesting.

By “he’s coming down”, does she mean like the Second Coming? Or I don’t get it…

I really like how calm this is. Suits the song. Her voice just flows through.

Itscamadandancamadaawn. So gruuvy.

He must be underground already if he keeps coming down *badumtss*

12-Haunting

Yep. This is definitely haunting.

And now I think I’m possessed.

What a literal album. That’s not a bad thing.

Gold boyfriend? Sell him you stupid hoe!

Oh shit what has she done that’s so serious.

Her voice really does sound strained and scared. By the power of Jesus, get out of that woman you awful demon! Thank you.

Or stay, if that means more awesome music.

Ah well, I did really think there’s gonna be a scream like in Pity Party on here. Would have made it 10 times better. Still awesome though.

On second listen, I just realized that the weird sounds at the beginning of the song is the same during the chorus, and it’s not just a weird sound, it’s saying ‘Keep On Haunting Me‘. That was strange, but okay.

I love the idea of a former lover ‘haunting’ her in her new relationships. What’s more intriguing is that she’s encouraging him to haunt her. Does she want them to get back together? One could only guess. So far all her songs have alternate meanings, and I feel like it’s really up to the listener to understand them the way he wants.

13-Gasoline

Wow. Track 13 already?! This flowed right through so easily.

I love this asian feel! More pls.

Yep. I feel like I’m in some Chinese castle.

And with chorus, a fight just breaks through in the kingdom. It really feels like a movie.

How many times have I compared this album to a movie already?

Yes, I am strange like you. Though not as much.

The chorus is really everything. It reminds me of Princess of China by Rihanna. For obvious reasons.

But wait… what’s gasoline got to do with this?

Oh. Everyone’s treating her like a machine. Like she’s not human, just for being a celebrity. And like all machines she runs on gasoline – our love and praise for her.

14-Control

Power and controoool, im gonna maaake you faaaaaalll

Okno.

Oho. You’re sure as hell not bigger than Madame Maxime’s bones (if you got the reference, you rock. Lemme know.)

This is Milk & Cookies of this album, in terms of disconcertingness. I’m uncomfortable. But then again, as someone fancy and famous once said, art is supposed to make people uncomfortable.

Oh wow. This last chorus is really powerful. It feels like a movie where she finds out about her powers, and she’s really scared of them. Like Frozen! Nope? Kay.

Oops. Yet another movie comparison.

I don’t really understand this song. Is she being possessed? Is she not in control of her actions? Wow. Intense. She’s even scaring kids.

15-Young God

What is this? Backwards talk?

Im scared. Whats gonna come after this build up…

Oh not much. Meh.

This song isn’t picking up! Bitch pick up! I’m waiting!

I want a steady beat! This has so much potential.

Oh wow what the hell did I just hear.

If you fuck me right now you’ll go to heaven?!

What is this? This is far more twisted than Cry Baby.

I don’t get it. I just don’t. These last few songs are confusing. 

Is he sort of just persuading her to fuck him?

What do young gods have to with this?

And to top it off the song just stops in the middle of a sentence!

16-I Walk The Line

Yet more weird sounds…

Oooo piano. Finally something sorta familiar. This sort of sounds like Heaven by Beyonce. I feel like I’ve compared another song to it before. Meh.

I love this. This beat, this pace, the lyrics, perfect.

Oh. That was just the pre-chorus. The chorus is even cooler.

This is great. Great song. Dark romance. At least I think it’s romance.

Could be anything really.

***

That was my review! As always this was a first listen and I wrote down everything I felt while listening.

However, this time I decided to sleep on it and really try to understand the songs more on second listen, which makes for a more substantial review (that’s why the first part of each song review is initial reactions and the second part is my interpretation).

This is also my first time reviewing with my new headphones (gift from a generous friend), and it’s awesome because they give more bass and I don’t have to stick them in as they slide out of my ears every few minutes.

So the album was good, even better the second time around. I could definitely see how it all connects. I really loved some parts, some were a bit confusing, some just too much, but overall I got what I expected and I couldn’t ask for much more.

I guess my favorite is Colors because I’ve played it many times already and it’s so fucking good and fulfilling.

I don’t know if this will match up to my Cry Baby standards and I’ll start playing it all day… we’ll see!

Rating: 4.25/5 Stars.

iReview: Paper Towns by John Green

Time for another John Green book review.

Yaaaaay

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Now I’m aware that this has been around since 2008 but I just read it last week and since the movie recently came out I decided a review would be appropriate.

Like 90% of all the books I have read, I borrowed this one from my friend, the same friend who lent me TFIOS and hated it. Apparently she had read Looking For Alaska and had loved it, then had gotten the rest of John’s books and they didn’t have the same effect. She couldn’t even read all of Paper Towns, deeming it as ‘too boring’.Oh well, I still win.

The book had been sitting in my closet for a couple of weeks during which I was rereading Harry Potter. But then we decided that we should go see the movie and it was in three days but I couldn’t see the movie without having read the book first! That goes completely against my life philosophy. Anyway.

I started reading the book in the afternoon. I had to read 100 pages a day to finish it before we go to the movies. 

In the end, we couldn’t make it to the movies. But that didn’t matter because i had finished the book in less than 24 hours. I couldn’t put it down.

It is divided in three parts. The Strings, the Grass and the Vessel. Each of these is a metaphor about life and what connects people, that the characters discover throughout the book. And each of these 3 parts contained some of the best things I like about books.

The first part was hugely entertaining and I read it in a snap. I just love this sort of planned-revenge-journey-trip-craziness type of books. 

The second part was also great. It was about the disappearence of Margo and Q’s quest to find her through the clues she had left him. This was the mystery part of the novel, and I love mystery, as you could tell by my Perfectionists review, so I loved this.

And the third part is a typical roadtrip, which reminded me of the one in An Abundance Of Katherines (yet another John Green novel). But this one was even better. And the ending was very intriguing.

I totally expected it, and would have liked it better if it didn’t end the way it did. Give me a really sad ending for once. But despite that, the conversation the characters had was very interesting, even though it was a bit preachy and rant-y and unrealistic, although I have gotten used to it in John’s novels. I also really loved the last sentence.

I loved Q, but I thought Margo was a bit too much at some points.

Just like with An Abundance of Katherines, I found the best friend character too repulsive. I mean seriously? Honeybunnies, MILF jokes and a whole chapter about his pee? Stop it Ben. I don’t even know how he got Lacey. I liked Radar a lot more, partly because I thought he was kinda like me.

I recommend this book to all teens and John Green fans. It’s great!

Rating: 4/5 Stars.

iReview: Cry Baby by Melanie Martinez

I was on Instagram the other day, looking through a hilarious Marina and the Diamonds fanpage, and there was a lot of talk about a new album called Cry Baby by Melanie Martinez very similar to Marina’s second album, Electra Heart. Being a fan of that album, I immediately downloaded Cry Baby. I have only heard two songs from it, and I liked them, so I’ll listen to the entire album right now for the first time and rate each track. Fingers crossed I won’t fall asleep because it’s midnight.

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Tracks:

1- Cry Baby

First off, this beat is sick. Her voice reminds me of someone but I can’t put my finger on it. Ellona Santiago from X Factor? 

Omg her voice in the chorus sounds just like Lana Del Rey when her voice is strained. 

I got it! She sounds like a young Lana on her old demos. Gogo Dancer! Now I remember! 

This song is way better though. From the production to the lyrics to the voice. I’m excited for what’s to come.

2- Dollhouse

Okay, this kinda sounds like the first song… 

The chorus is enchanting… But also funny. I can’t not hear “It’s Grace’s Faces, Grace’s Faces, I take my friends’ faces and make them… Better!(?)”. I just can’t xD

The lyrics are great though.

You can never go wrong with a Spelling Bee. Di oh el el eytch oh you es i. 

That last lyric is definitely gonna be my new Whatsapp status.

3- Sippy Cup

This sounds like a cat sipping water. Or a tongue flicking on something (I won’t go into much more detail). 

The music is great but I don’t like the chorus melody… It’s ironically too baby like. Maybe (probably) it’s supposed to be this way.

Now let’s play a fun game called In How Many Weird Ways Can You Pronouce Sippy Cup! 

4- Carousel

OMG YAS.

THIS IS SO FAB.

AND CREEPY.

I love these beats that start off as normal sounds and turn into infernal jams. I love this song already.

Is it me or her voice changed?

Omg yas more beats. Slay me with your carnival beats.

Did she say cum on purpose?

Now I have round and round like a horse on a carousel and that other quote for my whatsapp status. Which one to pick gah.

This song is just wow. I love twisted carnivals.

Love it.

5- Alphabet Boy

Babubahbuhba? Me too.

I don’t understand why he’s called Alphabet Boy but that guy sounds like me. I think I’m smarter than all u hoes.

Omg she is so Lana on that bridge. I had almost forgotten how much Lana slays with her haunting voice.

Good job turning babubahbuhba into a hook!

6- Soap

STOP THIS ANNOYING SOUNDDD.

Thank you.

Did she just say I think I left the farts running?

If she did… I love her already.

Wowzi. What is dubsteppy post chorus? It’s so… Soapy! Weird right?

This song is so great, why did you have to start it with a braincrushing sound? Hein? Heinn?

Oooh I’m getting National Anthem vibes. 

7- Training Wheels

Oh no not a lullaby just when I started not feeling sleepy 😦

Yep. A lullaby.

I appreciate the yuuuhuuu and the multiple curse words in the chorus but I can still hear the lullaby sound and it’s driving me mad and I’m trying really hard not to skip this one.

I might have liked this better in different circumstances. But now it’s too much.

YAY IT’S OVER.

8- Pity Party

Yay for the awesome psychedelic beat. 

Wait wait wait wait wait.

Wait.

Where have I heard this before?

?!?!?!?!

THIS IS MADNESS!!!!

Is this like a sample? 

This my party I can cry if I want to… WHERE HAVE I HEARD THIS BEFOREEEEEEEEEEEE IT’S DRIVING ME CRAZYYY.

Is this the song they used to play on kids shows?

I’m laughing I’m crying I feel like dying? Relatable. Third runner up for my whatsapp status.

And then someone screams.

This might be the best song so far. Encore!

Nooo don’t be over 😦

9- Tag, You’re It

Oooh creepy dark voice. Me likey.

How can she take these kiddie titles and make them so awesome?! Like wow! Seriously. Who thought Tag, You’re It could be that catchy.

Eenie meenie minie moe lol. This reminds me so much of Raining Men. *domdomdadadadadomdomdom*

Omg yes desintegrate urself bitch. Fab.

10- Milk and Cookies.

Can I eat this? 

Too bad.

Why is the chorus so superficially produced it’s disconcerting I’m scared. I need to lower the volume. Too many crazy bells.

All the songs kind of sound similar but each one is so unique. Weird. But I guess that’s how albums should be.

11- Pacify Her

More with the lullaby. Really?

This one is much more tolerable though.

Yas bae slay that basic bitch.

Lol this is so shady. Pacify that bitch or I’ll shoot her.

This is greatness.

Well to answer your question Mel, no, wanting is not equal to getting. I want to be Miranda Sings but I will never be no matter how hard I try to fuck up my voice.

Anyway.

12- Mrs. Potato Head

Why the moaning bitch how old are you.

I really have no idea in what context she will possibly use Mrs. Potato Head. How many definitions could a potato head have?!

Let’s see.

Wait. Sexual? What’s sexual about a round piece of plastic? 

Oh well I get it.

Okay sorry but I don’t get what Mrs. Potato Head has to do with this.

Oh wait I get it again. This is about surgery.

You little Melanie, you. The cleverest witch of her age.

She’s basically saying no one will love me. Thanks Meli.

At least my face stays together.

13- Mad Hatter

Okay…

Wow that caught me by surprise!

Sick beat.

Leave ur skin in place hoe.

Can I get the instrumental to this pwease? 

So edgy. 

You’re definitely off your rockers.

Thank you for saying I’m crazy I appreciate it ^^

This song is crazy. This whole album is crazy.

AND I LOVE IT.

Arearararaaa

Do I stop here or do I continue with the bonus tracks?

Oh what the heck.

14- Play Date

I hear this HoghHogh that’s so born to die-y.

More lullabies? Stop it.

Oh I can lend you my Monopoly marina. I mean melanie. Oops. I swear this wasn’t on purpose.

I just realized how weird and confusing these reviews probably sound to people who haven’t heard the songs yet. Like what is this whackadoo talking about XD.

Well listen and you’ll know smh.

15- Teddy Bear

Ooh this beat is nice it’s kinda like Cry Baby.

Groovy. Okay.

Talking in your sleep? Are you talking about my sister? She’s having a conversation with her pillow like right now.

Whow. What? Your teddy bear tried to kill you?!

You’re one freaky bitch if I do say so myslef.

Why am I hearing Daddy Bear. 

This changes the whole meaning of the song. 

Perv.

Her voice is so angelic and demonic at the same time it’s so awesome.

Eh eh eh eyy bye.

16- Cake.

Oh no! Fuck. This track is corrupted. I wanted to redownload it but I forgot. Shit then 😦 I guess I’ll have to review it when I download it. Hope I’ll remember.

So… That was it.

I certainly did not fall asleep.

There are some killer songs in here, many good ones, and barely any fails. I won’t give single ratings to each song because that would be pointless. 

This album ensnared my senses (thanks Snape). The cohesiveness of it all is mindblowing. It’s really haunting and I love it. 

My favorite track for now is probably Pity Party but I won’t know for sure until I give it a second listen. Which I definitely will. I’m so glad I found this album. 

I recommend it to any Marina, Lana, or Pop fan in general. It’s a truly great experience.

Rating: 4.4/5 Stars.

iReview: FROOT by Marina and the Diamonds

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My friend requested a review for this album. As I already love Marina, I thought that this was a good idea, since not many people actually know about her. In fact, most of them think she’s a band.

She’s not, people. She’s not.

Her name is Marina Diamandis (fabulous, ikr?) So she chose the stage name Marina and the Diamonds. Probably because it sounds cooler and less pretentious than Marina Diamandis.

So this album was a really nice listen. I had already listened to her previous album, Electra Heart (which I totally recommend for Pop/EDM fans), and I loved it, even though it was loud and dull at times. And to be completely honest, I wasn’t so sure about her voice. When it got high, it was slightly annoying.

This one is completely different, while still maintaining a nice pop feel throughout. The opening track, Happy, is a calm ballad. When I first heard it, I thought it was a total snooze fest, I mean, I expected something a bit more upbeat from a song called Happy. However, it has grown on me over time. I love its lyrics, and it’s one of the songs I like to listen to before I sleep. (I listen to songs before I sleep. Don’t judge me.)

Froot, the title track, is an infectious pop gem; and its production reminded me strangely of the Super Mario soundtrack. 

The album contains 12 tracks. 6 of these I thought were great (the first 4 and last 2), and the other 6 a bit less. So the term ‘filler’ fits literally here. She put these four awesome songs in the beginning so we go like ‘oh, that’s a great start=great album!‘ And then there’s these 6 songs that are like meh and THEN she ends the album with two great songs so that we’re left thinking ‘well you can’t say that’s not a good album because it’s great from start to finish‘. Good one, Marina.

Still, I’m not saying it isn’t.

Tracks like Better Than That, Gold, Solitaire and Forget may have been, ironically, forgettable. However, each song has something special about it, that will make you listen to it one, two, ten more times.

The last track, Immortal, was a great choice to close the album. It’s raw, emotional and its music has a rather nostalgic and gloomy feel to it. But like, in a good way. I also have used the instrumental in a few of my presentations and it’s worked really well (can they sue me for this? Now Apple AND Marina are out to get me.) It’s my third favorite track, my second being Savages, a song inspired by the Boston Bombing, that I found to be really clever; it was quite a strong statement. It has a touch of alternative in it, and I made my friend – an alt-rock fan who usually mocks me for listening to pop (even though he’s been found guilty of having all of Nicki Minaj’s albums on his laptop ‘by accident’) – listen to it, and he quite liked it.

And lastly, my favorite track – probably my favorite Marina song ever – is Blue. From the moment these first few notes started twinkling in my earphones, I was under the charm. I have listened to it countless times, and I still get chills every time the prechorus drums kick in. It’s absolutely fabulous. Even though it’s a break up song, it actually makes you feel cheerful! It’s a perfect pop song.

FROOT is the album I would recommend to anyone who’s just discovered Marina, as it blends both her first two albums in a great way, and to any pop/indie fan looking for a nice album to listen to during summer vacation.

Rating: 4/5

iReview: The Fault In Our Stars by John Green

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When I told my friends I wanted to read this book, they were like NO. They said it was overrated and stupid. Knowing my friends, I read the book anyway.

So let me make this clear: I try to avoid reviews/opinions on books (or music, or movies) before I read/hear/watch them myslef, because often my own opinion becomes too obscured by what others think, and that’s a big bummer, especially if it’s something negative. For example, Allegiant. Goodreads made me hate it. I’ll probably post about it later.

Anyway, this was not the case. I enjoyed The Fault in Our Stars in the way I was intended to, because, like what I heard many other people say, it left me weeping. Me. Who has never, ever, shed a tear to anything except the Pensieve scene in the last Harry Potter movie. And that’s just during the movie; the book left me unfazed.

It was my first John Green book, I read it in a few days during Christmas break and it was an enjoyable and refreshing read, following the complicated Angels & Demons that my friend had lent me (and that I didn’t even finish). 

The characters spoke in a quite weird and unrealistic way, like I would never expect atual teenagers to speak that way, and that’s coming from me. However, it added to the fun and quirkiness of it all.

It was less passive than I expected. I thought it was going to be a girl ranting on and on about how her life is not the same since she has cancer and how she fell in love with a handsome boy and how their love is forbidden and boohoomimblewimble, but it actually wasn’t that dramatic at all, apart from the ending, of course. 

In fact, the ending, while great, wasn’t really my favorite part, nor was it the part that made me ‘weep’ (and by weep I mean my eyes got all watery and stuff. It wasn’t exactly an endless flood of tears). It was when Hazel’s mother told her that she was going to start working that I felt a concentrated jolt of emotions hit me right in the feels. All Hazel was worried about was obstructing the life of her loved ones, and now she knew her parents will keep going, fighting new battles. That was really touching.

This was really the only time I could remember being brought to tears by a book, no matter how brief that moment was. However, it was the movie that made me really cry. It was done beautifully. The parts that hadn’t stirred my emotions in the book did so in the scenes, and I commend Shailene Woodley for her awesome interpretation of the main character. The thing I did not like about it was the ending line, ‘Okay’. I was like NOOOO YOU RUINED IT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SAY I DO AUGUSTUS WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY I DO AUGUSTUS WHYYY but now I’m fine with it.

Sure, the books were way over-hyped, and sure, it wasn’t the most original plot, but it was still a good book worth reading. I recommend it to everyone, even if you were hesitant or intimidated by its popularity. It has dimmed down now. No one’s gonna judge you. Probably.

Rating: 4/5

iReview: The Pinkprint by Nicki Minaj

Okay so I used to hate Nicki Minaj as much as the next person. But turns out her music is hella catchy and cray cray. Just my type. So I listened to her first two albums and I digged them and now I thought hey why not listen to her last album so I have something to review because if I don’t review something soon the iReview thing will look stupid and pointless and very awkward which it is, but still. So here it is. I’m going to review the album track by track, and give ratings to every song and then a total rating because I really, really love rating stuff.

(it’s also interesting to note that it’s her only album that doesn’t have her face and/or butt on it which is weird but a nice change. Not that I have anything against her face and/or butt.)

(oh and also I wrote this review on Wednesday but I’m posting it on Friday because Pink Friday, duh.)

Here we go:

Untitled

Tracks:

1-All things go:

It all starts off with the sound of a vacuum cleaner. Then she starts rapping over the vacuum cleaner and rhymes “vent” with “vent”. And then more rapping. Sounds like a regular rap song during the first minute.

Then she starts repeating the title like an opera singer, and then the chorus kicks in and she’s singing and it sounds pretty good!

Then she talks about problems with her family and the title starts making sense because all things go except family, duh! I guess that’s what I understood.

I think this must have been a very emotional song to write/record/publish, and I’m a fan.

Rating: 3.8 (yep I’m too cool for plain numbers)

2-I lied:

Are you sure this is Nicki Minaj’s album?

It just doesn’t sound that way. There’s a lot more singing and a lot less rapping in these first songs. And can I just say I love her voice. Who knew?! It was like listening to Colleen sing after being used to Miranda’s voice.

Oh and I love that dramatic “fuck you” in the middle of the song, so romantic with the echo and shit :’)

By the end of the song I’d be surprised if she hasn’t turned into Pinocchio yet (badum tss). Gurl I get it. You lied. Rating: 1

Jk I lied too

Rating: 3.7

3-The crying game:

Yeey she’s rapping again.

I love this lute-y background music.

Wait. Is that her singing the pre-chorus?

Well one thing’s for sure, she’s definitely not the one singing the chorus. It sounds like an upgraded (but still broken) version of Katy Perry.

Why is everything so emotional like bruh go back to rapping about icing wrist-es and pissing on bitches and sucking diznicks and taking jizzes and throwing disses and ass kisses.

Rating: 3.5

4-Get on your knees feat. Ariana Grande:

Ooh I like this beat. And the opening chorus.

Just when I thought we were back on the rapping bandwagon Ariana comes and sings about poets and roses and getting emotional. Shit then.

Oh wait she says she doesn’t want that.

Well I agree sista. Carry on.

Wait did she just say ‘I’m on my Katy Perry’? What’s that supposed to mean? She’s going to suck? Ooh now I get it. That’s what he’s begging her for.

Does Ariana need to scream on every damn song

I like this middle-8/bridge/whatever you call it.

Overall it’s a nice song. Me gusta.

Rating: 4.05 (just because.)

5-Feeling myself feat. Beyonce

Gosh, if this had a better beat/background music it would have been much better. I love Queen Bey and I’m a huge fan of Flawless. They could do better. But this is still not bad.

That  ‘World Stop.. Carry On’ part deserves a Grammy tbh.

Is that Rrrrrrr part like a Nicki Minaj trademark or what. I heard that before on Anaconda.

Rating: 3.666 (illuminati confirmed)

6-Only feat. Too many people to count

Of course you didn’t fuck Wayne and Drake bae. They fucked you.

God that beat is annoying.

Is that Chris Brown? How do female singers still feature him on their records?!  SHOW SOME SISTERHOOD.

Drake sounds like he’s impersonating Lil Wayne.

And vice-versa.

Or maybe I confused the two. Idk.

Rating: 3.54

7-Want some more

This should be called Wahsmoh.

Lol I love this Monneeeeey part.

And all the following eeeeeyyyy parts. I already love this song.

There you are! The Nicki I love! The Nicki from Pink Friday and Roman Reloaded!

Thank yuuuuuuuu

Imma go ahead and rate this right now.

Rating: 5

8-Foor Door Aventador

Well first of all kudos for the title which sounds funny.

What is this? I’m confused.

Wait is this the chorus. It sounds stupid and annoying. Please Nicki, stop hiring random people to sing your choruses. It makes no sense. Or is this some kind of sample like in Anaconda? Meh. Still don’t like it.

And still don’t get the title.

Rating: 3.1

9- Favorite feat. Jeremih

Why does every male singer sound more or less like Chris Brown

This is kinda weird. Why do you wanna be my fayvrit.

Man do they all have speech impediments or something?

DAMMIT NICKI WHAT SHOULD I ALREADY KNOW?!

Nope.

Rating: 3.3

10- Buy a Heart feat. Meek Mill

Well the title is definitely something.

Is she saying don’t you say right now? It’s kinda hard to tell.

Well. I’m digging that beat.

Wow. Gosh. That chorus kicks in and it’s like poboushwzzpawszz. In other words, I love it. And I love how sharp Nicki’s voice is in this.

And in the verses where she sings for a bit. Fabulous.

Enybaryenybaryenybary WANABAH

I really, really like this one.

Rating: 5

11-Trini dem girls feat. Lunchmoney Lewis (wtf?)

Ooh I get the tropical vibes.

Ohh gosh my ears are nearly bleeding. WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT LETTING RANDOM PEOPLE SING YOUR CHORUSES, ONIKA. You lose points on this one. Which is a shame because the rapping and the pre-chorus are great.

PLEAASSEE STOP SAYING PAT DE PUM PUM OR WHATEVER IS THAT TORTURING SOUND THAT YOU’RE MAKING.

Rating: 3.5 (it could have easily been a 4 if not for good ol’ Lunchbox Lewinsky or whatever his name is)

12-ANACONDAA YASSS

I fucking love this song. When I first heard it I was like GURL, NO but I quickly became addicted.

I have a friend called Michael and we could have totally made jokes about his Eiffel in school if he listened to anything non-arabic. Too bad.

Is it bad that I’ve totally memorized this entire song including the exact timings of the maniacal HAHHAAAHEHAHA and RRRRRRRR and JYEAH and other interjections of the sort?

It probably is. But who cares.

Rating: one million.

13- The night is still young

Wowzi there. Loving these vibes. Proceed.

I’m getting a lot of Starships-esque/Pound the alarm-y flashbacks on here. Fantastic. And her voice is still great.

I expected the chorus to be different, like more upbeat, but it’s still pretty awesome.

This should have totally been a single this summer. But maybe it’s for the better, because I tend to start hating stuff that everybody hears and overplays. This is gonna be my summer jam and mine only.

Rating: 5

14- Pills N Potions:

This is the first single from the album; I remember once image-searching for the word ‘pills’ for some project and I found some pics from the video of this song (before having seen it) and I was like hmm she looks like Nicki Minaj but nah it can’t be her she looks beautiful. That was when I hadn’t seen her without her wigs and crazy costumes. Kinda like Lady Gaga. And then I saw the video on MTV and loved it and was surprised by her look and her voice on the hook which was really awesome.

So yeah, it’s a nice song. And I love the beat.

Rating: 4.4

15-Bed of lies feat. Skylar Grey

You know I never like these pairings. Their two voices don’t go along at all. It reminds me of Headlights by Eminem and Nate Ruess; not the actual song, but the fact that I didn’t understand their collaboration at all.

The song itself is kinda okay I guess. Maybe Nicki should have sung that chorus. Skylar sounds like a little girl. And she might be. I don’t know much about her honestly.

Rating: 3.49 or something

16- Grand Piano

A song called grand piano that starts with a piano? Call me surprised!

Oh my. I love this.

Oh my god that chorus.

Please say Piianooo again. Pretty please. It’s majestic af. Or should I say, Minajestic huehue

Wait. So no rapping on this one? This might be the only Nicki Minaj song that doesn’t have even a hint of hip hop. And it might also be my favorite song of hers. I love it. It’s really touching.

What a beautiful way to end the album.

Rating: 5

I actually have 6 more songs from multiple deluxe versions but I feel like sticking to the standard version. Mostly because I’ve gotten a bit tired. Okay so quick skim over these: Big Daddy is okay, but I liked the other Meek Mill collab way better. Shanghai, I don’t really get. But I like the part where she goes Shanghai, shanghai, shanghai, etc. Win Again should have never been a bonus track because it’s fucking great and I love it and it gets a 5 star rating because it can’t be ignored. It’s kinda like a sophisticated Want Some More. Mona Lisa is all weird and repetitive. Put you in a room is meh. Truffle Butter feat Drake and Lil Wayne a.k.a The Men She Didn’t Fuck is kinda good but in a weird way. Lil Wayne is both disgusting and interesting on this.

So because I rated Win Again I guess I’ll give a collective rating for the other bonus tracks: 3.67

Overall I can say that I enjoyed this album and some of these tracks are going to be eventual favorites of mine. If I were to rate it I’d say a 4.33 but I guess since I rated every song I’ll just go ahead and calculate the general rating. Just a moment.

General Rating: 4.09 (55,559.333333 if I were to count Anaconda as literally one million.)

Close enough!

Good job nicki, you just got your definite seal of approval from moi. You’re fucking welcome.

Well, that was a long, long review. It took me the length of the actual album to write. ‘cause I was listening to it while writing, duh. Maybe future reviews should be done after hearing the album, without track-by-track commentary. Or not. I’ll see.

See you next time on iReview!