i battled cancer in my head. i can do this.
i love you
you love me.
we used to chant this with such ease. we were children. we were carefree. we loved and we were loved.
then we grew up and watched it turn into the most unattainable of dreams.
it came true.
i say you did something bad
it must have felt so good
i say you did something bad
why did it feel so good?
most fun you’ve ever had
and you’ll do it
am i supposed to believe the lies you tell yourself?
i was just up, thinking about him. as i always do.
and i prayed for the first time in forever. i prayed to God for it to get better.
and suddenly, i thought about you. i thought about how beautiful you were, and thought i’d let you know.
i found you here for me. we had one of those short, sweet 3 AM conversations, and now i’m going to sleep with a smile on my lips.
i realize now why i don’t think about you. it’s because i don’t have to. it’s because i can talk to you, and not the twisted version of you that lives in my brain. it’s because you’d never make me feel like i needed to calculate what i’d say to you, or how you’d make me feel if i let you know exactly how i felt. and i’m scared i might let you down, but i know you’re scared you might let me down too, and somehow that’s all that matters.
don’t blame me, writers need ink for their pens. i had none, so i made you mine. and pens don’t know consent.
and the sugar turned bitter
and the summer turned to winter
but I still want your love.
they can tell me I’m a sinner
but they can’t call me a quitter
i won’t give you up.
every time I say goodbye
i find a way to justify
running to your arms
you know that I wanna change
i wanna correct my brain
you can’t help who you are.
-old habits die hard // allie x
oh, firefly. that’s it. that’s who you are. you flew into my night, and i caught you in the cup of my hands, and you gladly stayed. and you shined. you turned my night into dawn. from the start, you’ve brought nothing but light. nothing but warmth. nothing but hope.
light people bring light. dark people bring darkness. but that darkness clings to me like bloodsucking parasite, and sticks to the walls of my heart, shielding any light that your beauty radiates.
i crave darkness. and i’d be lying to myself if i said i didn’t want a twisted dark fantasy, a cruel game of chess that makes my bowels lurch with every move. i crave it, but i hate it. and i’d be lying to myself if i said i like the way it makes me feel. that’s an excuse i make because i’m not ready to deal with what’s been haunting me. i loathe darkness. if i didn’t, i wouldn’t be up writing this in the middle of the night; i’d be curled up between my sheets, entertaining the company of these dark creatures, letting them consume me like they have for the past month. i loathe darkness, and i despise myself for letting it control me. i want to be light. i want to be good.
i want you to help me get rid of darkness. i want your shine to erase any traces he left, i want you to help me heal, i want you.
and maybe he won’t leave. maybe he’ll stay. maybe he’ll drop by every few days, or months, or years.
but he’ll know that he’s just a visitor. he’ll see what we are, and he’ll linger for a few seconds, and he’ll depart again because he knows his soul is too dark to be somewhere this pure.
and though i wanted affection
i was tired of rejection
i kicked the habit.
i put love on the shelf
and agreed with myself:
i’d never have it.
but it’s like you knew
and you came out
out of nowhere
and into my life
it took you a while
-hello, allie x