iReview: American Horror Story: Hotel – Season 5 – Episode 1

THE WAIT IS FINALLY OVERRR OMGYAS

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For those of you who have read certain posts of mine, you’d have noticed by now that I’m a huge fan of Lady Gaga. She’s so freakin fab! I promised once that I’d write a post about how we crossed paths, but I don’t think now’s the appropriate time for other multi-part life stories of mine. 

Last February, it was announced, in true Gaga fashion, that she would be starring in the upcoming first season of American Horror Story entitled HOTEL. The fandom, and the interwebz as a whole, went wild.

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I myself wasn’t a huge horror fan and had never watched any AHS episode, but the prospect of watching Gaga grow into an actress on TV was so exciting. Plus, has there even been a better match than Gaga and Horror? Most of her music videos would fit seemlessly in any horror flick. She has a very dark and wicked side and it’s one of the things I love best about her.

As the months went by, we sat there waiting for updates. Lately, these weren’t hard to come by. In fact, every other day there seemed to be new teasers and spoilers appearing. It was soon known that Gaga would be playing Elizabeth, the owner of Hotel Cortez. Plus, she’s apparently a blood-sucker. Cool. 

Well, it sounded cool at first. But when I came to know that they actually are filming a foursome scene involving her and her lover slaughtering their partners and feasting on their blood, my excitement turned into anxiousness.

I wasn’t really a big fan of blood and gore. There’s a reason why I refuse to become a doctor in the future, or why I rarely watch any horror films. Will I be able to cope with these scenes? Or will I just stop watching after the first episode or two despite Gaga being in it?

Still, all of that didn’t stop be from being eager to watch that first episode.

On the 7th of October, it finally premiered. But I was sleeping when it aired. So I waited until the next day after school to watch. I gathered my laptop, earphones and an assortment of horribly unhealthy snacks and clicked that mothaeffin play button.

It all starts out with two blonde tourists stepping out of a cab to check into the Hotel Cortez. From the moment I laid eyes on them, I knew, I just knew that they were gonna die in a matter of hours. The limited experience that I earned from the few horror flicks I’ve watched had taught me enough.

So they step into the hotel, and the lobby is completely empty. It’s dark, but has an air of grandeur and class to it.

They went up to the reception desk to check in. There was no one there. They rang the bell, apparently more times than they should have, according to the receptionist who goes by Iris (played by Kathy Bates). 

She leads them to their room, while informing them that the hotel has no cell service or wifi. If it were me, I’d have been out of there in a matter of seconds.

They see little creepy pale kids standing in the hallways, but that doesn’t seem to bother them too much.

Once they’re in their room, they smell a rotting ‘animal’, which turns out to be a murderous mutant-human-goblin-creature-thingy that has been living in their mattress. 

So what do they do? They just move into another room, like any sane person would do in such a situation. It’s Room 64. Remember that room.

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So everything seems to be going alright. That’s until one of the girls wakes up to find the little creepy kids casually eating her friend in the bathroom. No biggie.

I’m watching. While I’m interested in the story, I also start to wonder where Gaga is. Isn’t she supposed to be important? Am I watching the wrong show?

At long last, the Countess (Gaga) is introduced in the most fabulous of ways. She’s shown getting ready for something, while snorting up an amount of meth that would make even Jesse Pinkman gape. (Please tell me someone gets that reference.)

So she’s finally ready, and so is her partner, Donovan (Matt Bomer). They have such a strong sex appeal together. Amazing match.

So these two seem to be heading out for an open-air movie night. There, they meet (well, technically, make creepy eye contact with) a couple, and they start smirking at each other. Finally, Gaga starts to pretend she’s licking an invisible vagina, and the other couple takes it as cue to go with Gaga and Donovan, two complete strangers who look somewhat medieval. They didn’t even know where they were taking them. They just seemed to enjoy vagina-licking imitations.

Gagz takes them to the Hotel, naturally. By the way, she’s the owner.

The three of them who aren’t Gaga are seen laying naked on a kind sized bed. Then, Gaga appears.

Appears is a big understatement: Gaga fucking makes an ENTRANCE up in this bitch. She’s wearing nothing but her wavy blonde locks on her shoulders, a beautiful black see-through Alexandre McQueen veil all over her, a huge diamond necklace, tiny black panties, and diamond pasties for modesty.

Naturally, the veil comes off. She climbs into the bed, and then the four of them start doing what any four people in a bed would do. Hint: it’s not talking about the weather.

Then, midway through, Gaga and Matt exchange meaningful glances and then suddenly slash the poor other couple’s throats. The foursome soon turns into a massive blood fest. Even though I already knew that was coming from the teasers, it was still shocking to watch.

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Meanwhile, our tourists are being held captive by Iris in some sort of medieval torturing devices. I don’t know if I missed something, but somehow the girl who was being eaten by the children looked like she had never been eaten by anything or anyone. (I know what you’re thinking pervs. Shame on you. And yes I do think she has been.)

Out of nowhere, a crazy chic called Sally appears (Sarah Paulson) and demands to feed the girls. For some reason Iris gets all mad and bitchy and says ‘fine feed them if ur so insistant u bitch’ and leaves. Sally lets one of the girls escape, again for no apparent reason (now I get why this show has confused so many).

Fortunately, the Countess happened to be standing in the doorway and again casually slashed the girl’s throat as she tried to run (told you she’d be dying). 

All of this is sort of an introductory plot, I guess… Because the main plot seems to be about a detective who has been trying to catch a maniac killer who takes the 10 Commandments very, very seriously. Take adultery. He had found a non-married couple having sex, so what does he do? Plants an arrow through the woman’s torso, killing her, takes out the eyeballs and the tongue of the man who is 1) still alive and 2) still ‘inside’ the woman. Oh, and he also nails their hands to the wall.

I guess he didn’t get the memo that killing is the most awful sin of them all. 

Anyway, this detective starts receiving calls from the killer, and all the signs point to Hotel Cortez. So he decides to move there to continue his investigation. Oh, and which room does he take? 

Room 64.

Also, that detective happens to have a missing son called Holden, who we discover has been ‘adopted’ by the Countess. He lives with his siblings in a secret kid room at the hotel filled with video games and candy. One more reason for me to wish Gaga would adopt me some day.

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There are many other disturbing things that take place throughout the episode, like a little girl walking into a room to find two men hanging from the cealing with their guts wrenched out of their bodies, or a Hotel maid casually cleaning blood off sheets like she does this every day (Blood Still Stains When The Sheets Are Washed, anyone?) and most importantly a guy being raped by a featureless zombie monster with a drill-bit penis.

Oh, and there’s this thing where 20-something years ago Sally kills Donovan, and Iris kills Sally because Donovan was her son, but they’re still alive somehow and haven’t aged. My guess is that they’re some sort of solid ghosts. There’s also a theory out there that no one can die in the Hotel – they just turn immortal.

Yup. Mindfuck.

But the complication only makes it more compelling for me. I love a good mystery.

While there has been much I wasn’t fond of in these scenes, and even some that made me look away, it was so captivating. I’m guessing they chose to tell their story with horror elements because it keeps the viewer interested. It sure worked.

Gaga was absolutely amazing in her role, and by the looks of it, her next performances will be even more majestic.

I can’t wait for this Thursday afternoon to watch the second episode! And the next. And the next next.

I recommend this show to all Gaga fans, all horror fans and AHS fans. Also,  for those who like dark themes and have no problem with graphic violence.

What is your opinion of this first episode of AHS: Hotel? Are you going to be renewing your residency at Hotel Cortez, or will you check out at the nearest opportunity?

However, remember… “You can check-out any time you like, but you can never leave!

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Alright, now it’s time to ruin your childhood:

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4 thoughts on “iReview: American Horror Story: Hotel – Season 5 – Episode 1

  1. Your synopsis made me chuckle because truly the whole thing is so beyond bizarre that it’s very hard to summarize what’s so complex and baffling. Your précis of the episode highlighted just how bonkers it is.

    I’m a massive horror fan so I’ve watched all the AHS series. It’s been a bit of a law of diminishing returns but I have hope that Hotel will be as good as the best seasons. So far it’s certainly atmospheric and visually striking though I’ve barely a grasp of how all the disparate pieces connect.

    I must admit that I had a sinking feeling when it was announced Gaga was to star. There’s not a great history of singers as competent actors after all. However, I think she and Matt Bomer are the best things in this new series. They alone seem to get the camp theatricality of it all.

    It will be interesting to see how this season develops. So far I’m intrigued but not engaged.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I did not expect Gaga to be anything less than theatrical in this series. She’s even theatrical in her interviews! And in this show I think it fits very nicely.

      All the information they feed us in the first two episodes are a bit overwhelming and nonsensical, but I’m hoping it’s all going to come together later in the show.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi there just wanted to give you a brief heads up and let you know a few of the pictures aren’t loading correctly.
    I’m not sure why but I think its a linking issue. I’ve tried it in two different internet browsers and both show the same outcome.

    Like

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