How I Chose My Future.

I’m sitting in my bed at night, trying to think of new ways to procrastinate, and suddenly sharing this news with you struck me as something I urgently needed to do.

I’ve got Ultraviolence on and I’m ready to tell the story of how I took a step into figuring out my future.

So last year, around this time, I finally stumbled upon a profession that I felt fit me. 

Architecture. Artistic, but still a usual and respected profession. “What do you want to be? An architect”, and that ended the conversation. No questions. An expected career for a top student.

Fuck it. Honestly. Fuck being a top student, for all the good it has done me. It singled me out as a ‘nerd’ for years, only because I had better grades than everyone else. Put a ton of pressure on me to stay up to par with my standard grades, and set my parents’ expectations to staggering heights. Made me force myself into picking a profession I thought ‘complemented’ my ‘intelligence’, as if intelligence equals science.

So there I was, telling everyone I finally found what I wanted to do with my life, telling myself that I made the right decision. I mean I get to draw buildings for people and be creative! No matter that I know absolutely nothing about drawing and have no talent in it whatsoever! Right?

Wrong. I was constantly convincing myself that it was alright, reading testimonies from people reassuring us that knowing how to draw is not essential to being an architect but ‘it helps’, trying to imagine myself working in an architecture firm and enjoying it somehow.

I elaborated this smart reply to every question:

‘What do you want to do?’

‘What do I want or what I will do? I want to study literature, but of course that’s not an option, so I’ll do architecture because it seems like something I’d not hate a lot.’

Why I was brushing off literature? Well our education system divides students into 4 categories: Math-oriented, Biology-oriented, Economics-oriented and Literature-oriented. Or as our society classes them, the Genius class, the Doctors class, the Lazy class and the Weird class. My grades obligated me to pick one of the two former. Why waste my intelligence on literature? 

That’s why I went with the Math section, and brushed off any thought of literature studies, even though I had one passion in life and that was reading. What happened to ‘doing what I love’? That meant nothing. Society says I must be an Engineer, or a Physicist, or a Mathematician. Literature? Leave it to those who can’t do math.

And now, having almost completed my General Science year, I can affirm that the most times I had to actually think and use my intelligence was during literature tests. 

I swear to God, anyone can do math. Anyone can do physics. Not anyone can read a text and understand and analyze it correctly. That’s rare intelligence.

But I am glad I did what I did. I am proud of my choices so far. I couldn’t be prouder. General Science was a bore and a pain in the ass, but it eventually helped me see clearly what it is I had to do.

It happened in the middle of this school year, during our mid year exams. It was sunday morning, a day before our Chemistry test, and I found I had not written almost half of our course. I texted my friends and asked them to send me what I was missing. Never in a million years would I have guessed that in that moment, I had also asked them to tell me what I was going to study in college.

‘Why haven’t you written any of this?’

‘I’ve been absent.’

‘Why have you been skipping school so often? Do you think you’re better than the rest of us? We really don’t enjoy school either but we don’t just stay home whenever we feel like it.’

‘Save your sermons. Does it look like I care anymore about fucking school?’

‘And why is that?’

‘Because I’m going to spend years studying something I really don’t fucking have a clue about, and my life is probably going to end up screwed.’

‘Whow. Where is this coming from? You don’t want architecture?’

‘I don’t know what I want.’

‘Just do what you love doing.’

‘Easy for you to say. You love technology. Your options and endless. I love books, what am I supposed to do with that?’

‘I don’t know, be an editor or something.’

Editor. Editor.

Has it ever happened to you? Have you ever read a single word that ended up changing everything, turning your whole life path 180 degrees?  

That word alone, thrown nonchalantly, was enough to open my eyes. It might seem too straightforward to be believable, but that’s how it happened. 

Do what I love. What do I love? I love writing. What do I love more than writing? Correcting people’s writing. That’s an actual profession. Studying literature is not just an abstract thing. I can actually do something with my life that I can enjoy.

And if my disastrous experience as a bartender this summer taught me anything, it’s that doing a job I do not enjoy is not worth any salary in the world. I made a vow to myself, that I’d never work unless I was satisfied, and here I am, fulfilling my vow. 

‘Editor. Yes. That’s what I’m going to do. Oh my God.’

‘Okay so maybe not editor but there are lots of things you could do!’ He thought I was being sarcastic.

In truth, I was standing there, in the middle of my room, eyes wide open and staring into nothing, thinking. This is not a far fetched theory. This is real. This actually could happen. This is not a joke. This is my future. This is NOT a joke. This is a REAL solution. WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME? WHY DID IT TAKE ME SO LONG TO REALIZE? 

Writing this right now, I’m thinking of ways to word this that will not make me sound like an idiot. But the truth is that I really was an idiot. I made myself renounce doing what I wanted to do, and for what reason? Literally, what reason? I was torturing myself over nothing. Nothing. All it took was a single word, and here I was, reevaluating my entire future. 

I had my reasons to go with General Science. But after that, it’s just me, and my school grades will stay marked on some report card in the confines of my documents. After that, every move bears consequences. I was inches away from making myself go into a field I had no business being in. And just like that, I decided it would be Literature after all. There really are no valid reasons I hadn’t even considered that until that moment.

I honestly feel like laughing at myself. Nobody does what I did. I was just so stupid it’s hilarious. Writing it down makes it feel so, so much more obvious. 

Yep. Just like that. I decided I was going to be an English major! It happened in a matter of hours, and my whole life lit up. I was in bliss. I could not care less about the Chemistry test, or any tests. I was going to do what I wanted. I was going to read for a living. I was going to have time to do the things I love doing, including blogging, which you *may* have noticed I have been seriously behind with.

I told my parents that evening that I was going to change direction. They were pretty shocked, but nevertheless encouraged me and sensed how happy it made me.

The next day, I went to the college I had applied to and changed my major from Architecture to English. I expectedly got pretty surprised looks, like they couldn’t believe someone with 780 on their Math SAT was going to study English (like the fact I got 730 on the English section did not matter). But they also encouraged me saying I had made a good choice, as tons of people were going with Architecture and Engineering and soon there would be no jobs left for them. I was so satisfied.

And now, every time someone asks me what I would do with my future, I put on a broad, honest smile and proudly tell them I am going to study literature. They ask questions, and I happily reply ‘that’s what I love to do’. 

I’m still not used to the idea. Every time I feel down, I recite it to myself like a mantra: I’m an English major. I’m going to do what I love.

Game of Thrones SLAYSSSS

LITERALLY

SO 

MUCH

My best friend had been convincing me to start the series for years, but I just couldn’t imagine myself liking a story about swords and wars.

I started season 1 before christmas break… Now I’m at season 5.

IT’S JUST SO EPIC! THERE’S NO BETTER WORD. The story is amazing, suspenseful, engaging, it takes your breath away and keeps you on edge, that’s just something I hadn’t found ever since I first read Harry Potter years ago! 

Everything about this series is breathtaking. Everything. The production is the best I’ve ever seen. ALL the actors play their roles to PERFECTION. The soundtrack is flawless. Like honestly how is humanity capable of such a feat?

I’ve been curious about this series for years and I finally get to experience its greatness. I’m SO glad I waited for now, it really feels like a great timing. I may not have fully understood it had I started watching it years ago. 

This may be the first time I ever watched something before its book. I feel like by doing this I’m betraying everything I’ve ever stood for, but cut me some slack. The book series would take me ages, what with senior year and college coming soon; I simply would’ve lost interest (I did try to read the first book but failed miserably).

The thing is that before I finish season 6, I could find a spoiler in the most unexpected of places (and I already have, I know 2 of the most important events that happen in the series during season 5 and 6. It sucks but what can I do). So I’m being VEEERY careful as to what I see online. On the bright side, I just have a dozen of episodes left and then I’ll join the rest of the world waiting for season 7!

AHH it felt good to write this post. I just didn’t feel like writing a sappy oh-ma-gash-I-been-away-4-so-long-sorry-guyz like I’ve done this a thousand times. I’m lucky if this post even still gets read.

So yeah, life has been extremely busy, I’m actually in the process of completing my college application and I’m working on my essay. This is crazy. When I started blogging, college was a thousand years away… Ah life. Constantly surprising us.

I hope I’ll be able to write more, now that I got a new phone with a screen that isn’t snapped in half and an actual working keyboard. 

I just miss this so much.

Valar Dohaeris.

I’M SO EXCITED FOR THE FUTURE YES

SORRY I HAVE TO WRITE THIS IN ALL CAPS BUT BASICALLY THAT’S WHAT I’M FEELING RIGHT NOW
OKAY no I realized this is going to be too annoying.
So today we had ‘open doors’ at school, which is a day where all the universities/colleges in the country come to our school so students can go around and ask about what the proffessions, scholarships, requirements, etc.
(And yes, ALL the universities in the whole country. They’re like 20. It’s a very small country.)
So anyway, this was very important for me because I still have no idea what I want to study.
I’m good at literally everything. It used to be a blessing, but it’s seriously turning into a curse! I’m so confused and uncertain about what I want to do, because I know that whatever I chose, I’ll be letting down other opportunities.
Other than that, there’s the huge problem of tuition fees.
I’ve promised myself that no matter what will I let my parents pay the full price of my college tuition. I don’t want them paying a dime more than what they’re paying for school, because even now they’re having enough trouble.

Today was special for two reasons:

1) I learned a lot more about proffessions and jobs. I know now for sure that I don’t want to do something boring like civil engineering, because that’s for basics. I want to do something that uses my full intellectual capacity. Genetic engineering sounds awesome. There’s also a thousand more things, but that’s good enough for now.

2) My college of choice, LAU (Lebanese American University), informed me that with my grades, and my (predictably) high SAT scores (I mean pls), I could get a 100% scholarship.
WHAT?!
THAT’S UNBELIEVABLE
Everyone used to tell me that, but I would believe them. No, I have no choice but to! I told my parents and they were so relieved and happy, and my friends were also equally happy for me.

THAT’S WHY I’M SO EXCITED YES

There’s also other stuff but I remembered I can’t say them here because (*SPOILER ALERTS*) BUT I’M ALSO SO EXCITED YES

AND ALSO YES IT’S CHRISTMAS YES

BYE

TIME FOR COLLABS

I’M DONE WITH TESTS YAAAAAY

GAHHHH HOW I MISSED MY LITTLE BLOGGY

GUYS 

GUESS WHAT

image

EXAMS ARE OVER YAAAAAYYYY 

I didn’t get to blog much during exam time because I really really really really had no time. Here’s our beautiful time table:

Friday: Chemistry -History-Philosophy-Arabic

Monday:Maths-Geography-French

Tuesday:Physics-Biology-Civism-English

Yep. 11 exams. With just the weekend to study.

I don’t know how much you usually study for tests or how they’re done in sophomore year in your school, but I doubt it can be much worse than this.

I only had weekdays after school to study! That’s like a few hours for five days. I need five days for maths alone! 

I can’t take tests lightly. First of all, I have standards (wow, that wasn’t pretentious at all). I’ve been top student literally my entire life. I didn’t ‘start from the bottom now we here’, I was ALREADY here. It’s in my nature now and I can’t bear to be a failure. And unlike before when it was all fun and games, I actually have to study a LOT to stay where I am today. I can’t just read the cours and do a couple exercices like I used to.

It’s really not just me: pretty much everyone at this point has had this realization that if they don’t do their best now, their chances for a good college are very small. And it’s really what I want above all. To receive a scholarship to a great college other than the free public college. It’s not bad, it actually is known for being a great college but I just wanna go somewhere… Special. There goes my unpretentiousness again.

Back to the point: my school does not want me to get my scholarship.

The good side of what they’re doing is that with all the stress and pressure they put us through, we’re well prepared for what’s to come in college.

The bad side, however, is that if they keep this up we will have no energy to go on, our grades will plummet down and no college will accept us anyway. Even if they do, we won’t get the coveted scholarships. The only way I’ll study outside of the public college is if I get at least a 50% scholarship. I don’t even know if that’s a thing, or I’m just giving myself false hope. But I stubbornly want to think that my grades will get me into a college with a discount. It’s not that it’d be impossible for us to afford a full paid college, but I don’t want to put my parents in debt just because I refused to go to a normal college like the rest if these peasants.

So I just did what I had to do, and studied. I barely slept, but I couldn’t not study. And study. And study.

Here’s a quick overview of how my tests went:

Chemistry: could have gotten full marks if not for my shitty eyes that  can’t see properly. The sentence was ‘the temperature drops by 16°’. My eyes translated it into ‘the temperature drops TO 16°’. The whole exercice is ruined. Now I’ll still get a good grade (I’m guessing), but it’s always annoying to know you could have easily done great.

What’s also interesting to note is that it’s my best friend who made that same mistake, and I only learned about the mistake when he pointed it out to me. Sometimes I think we’re lost twins.

History: ugh. All that studying. All that staying up late yo learn about fucking Hitler and his stupid ass ego. It did pay off, and I did great, but I just felt like I spent so much energy studying for a stupid 1-hour test.

Arabic: I so was not in the mood. But it turned out to be quite good. I think. I never know with Arabic. 

Philosopht: 7 pages. That’s the most I’ve written for a test. Ever. And that’s one single text! I felt proud of myself for some reason, even though I’m not sure I hit all the right marks. But I just blabbed, and that’s basically what philosophy is about.

Maths: fuck maths. Really. All that hard work. Wasted once again on a stupid calculus mistake. It’s not fair! I can study all month and still have a bad grade just because I made a small mistake somewhere. They really don’t know how to grade tests. Gosh I wish he’ll be indulgent. What happened to me?! I used to be great with maths! Fuck it. Again.

Geography: I literally had just read the course once the previous night. But it was apparently enough. I did well enough.

French: ah. My fav. I ‘think’ I did okay in the comprehension, but I was really getting tired and sleepy at that point.

My tiredness showed a bit too much in my essay, however. First of all, it wasn’t my best work. I’m usually GREAT with essays. I got right through with my points and hit homeruns left and right. ‘Made a splash’, as we like to call it (we really don’t, it’s just me but still). This one was meh at best. It was at the end when it got interesting.

The essay was about inequality in schools between students and between them and their superiors. It somehow seemed so wrong for this subject to be discussed by someone who was being put through this inequality at the very moment. It really felt like they were mocking us. So I concluded with ‘students are never given the right to decide the way in which they wish to be taught. It’s always the ‘adults’ who decide everything for them. That’s why we may never know under what logic were we put through a dozen tests in a few days with no revision delays. But I guess I’m just a student, unworthy of knowing why I have to do the things I do.’ I wrote this sentence with shaky hands, then and now. The injustice was overwhelming. I feel like when the teacher reads this, my anger will spring to life right through the paper. I hope it will. 

Physics: are you kidding me? You HAVE to be kidding me. That’s the easiest physics test I’ve done in years! There’s no way our own teacher made this. Being me, I HAD to mess up somewhere. But it was minor. I still can’t believe how easy it was. I’m sure there has been some sort of mistake, but all the better for us!

Biology: let’s put it this way: our Biology teacher is probably high. She has a ‘no writing just talking’ policy. That’s like the opposite of every. Single. Fucking. Teacher. Ever. She’s just so untraditional, and it’s unsettling to us. We have trouble knowing just what exactly to study! She barely gives us any course. But it turns out that she knows what she’s doing, and she gives us just what we need to know. I felt like the test was pretty clear, easy even. More and more by the day I’m starting to feel like biology is what I want to continue doing instead of maths and physics, and that scares me, but I’ll never know for sure until the moment of truth.

Civism: lol. Just lol. It’s dumb. I did okay I guess? But it’s just useless.

English: ahhhhh yes. They saved the best for last. Well actually it wasn’t a coincidence, they did save it for last on purpose but that’s only because it’s the last test and no one’s gonna be paying much attention. They really give no importance to English here. School never taught me a thing in English. I learned it all from the internet, and reading. Do they know that most colleges nowadays require SAT scores? Let them keep ignoring English, maybe it’s better for me; I’ll have an even bigger chance for a scholarship if I’m great with English. Fuck you bitches!

Anyway, the test was a breeze. It’s also desolating, because it’s kids play. We have been taking the same exact lessons for like 10 years. If you saw what our english test looks like, you’d laugh and probably think this was stolen from a third grader’s class. ‘Put a, an, or the in the correct places’. IS THIS A JOKE?! Meh. Not my loss.

SO. That was it 🙂 now that I’ve put these into words I realize that it’s maths were I haven’t done well. That’s too bad, because it’s the most important subject. But I’m like really done with math’s shit right now.

So yeah… I promised myself a good night’s sleep since I’ve been staying up late studying for the past week, but time just flies when you write! 

Ugh. I have a TON of stuff to tell you guys. I also have so many posts I wanna do and collabs and tags and all that stuff. I JUST NEED WIFI!! WHYYYYYY but like I guess I’ll have more time to give to my blog now that exams are over. I’ll find a way to post. Somehow. 

Well that was unnecessarly dramatic.

GOOD NIGHT!

Remember how I called my physics teacher a huge pile of shit?

Well… He’s not that huge of a pile.

Ugh.

When I wrote that post, I knew that there was a possibilty that I’d have to eat some of my words later. I didn’t care, because I was so frustrated.

In fact, everything that I wrote in that post was under the effect of cumulated anger and frustration. I was livid because the whole situation seemed unfair. I knew I’d get a low grade and it wouldn’t even be my fault.

Well, I got a low grade alright. But I wasn’t completely innocent.

The thing I was mad about was that he would not correct one of my questions that I did on the answer paper instead of the question paper, like he wanted. I really wasn’t just imagining it and insulting him over what I thought he’d do, I literally asked him if that was okay and he said ‘You’ll have to bear the consequences blahnlahblah.’ That in itself is a very stuck up and conceited thing to say. Especially when you just said it to mess with your students.

He did correct it. And I got that one right. Bitch, why’d you say you wouldn’t?! I feel like he just wanted to humiliate me. Did he expect me to beg? Gtfo.

The reason I still had a low grade was 1) the test was hard. The highest note was like 8/10 and many failed. Last year, 8 was considered mediocre. 2) my eyes are fucking stupid and idk how they saw the number 20 and wrote it down as 12 but it messed up one of my calculations. Seriously?! Lost me like half a point. Smh. 3) I never said that I didn’t mean any of the other things I said about him. He IS strict when it comes to presentation, and he DOES correct only following his method. The only question I really got wrong (not just stuff he’s picky about) was over 1 point, so really I could have gotten a 9. But I got a 7.

You might say, ‘Oh! I thought you failed. 7’s not bad’.
While it is in fact not too bad (it’s like the 5th highest in class), it is by my standards. The lowest grade I got in phsyics last year was like 9. I don’t feel like this year I’m worse, it’s just that our last teacher was the opposite: he was very easy to please when it came to answers, and just cared about the basics. Plus, he’d raise our grades if we asked nicely enough. I hope more teachers were like this in that way.

The reason I care so much is because my college scolarship depends on my grades. Especially my physics and maths grades, because I intend to pursue those subjects. But guess what? I got a 7 on maths too. That one has no excuses. Just me being awfully stupid. I’m really surprised and disgusted. It really made me want to punch something, probably myself, but I showed no sign of that in class and acted as though it was all fine and whatevs. Everyone got a better grade! I did get a 10 on the last test, so it’s 17 in total I guess, but still. Ugh.

Why am I talking about my grades here anyway. It’s probably boring you to death right now. Excuse me.

Imma go now and study, because I really don’t want this to happen again.

Wish me luck guys.