Why am I even trying?

What the hell is happening to me?!
Since when was I such a looser?
I swear I used to do light study a day before any test, and easily ace it.
Nowadays, it’s just the opposite if that. I have been studying for this maths test for almost a week. It’s not even an exam, or a big defining test, it’s just a simple stupid regular one.
I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I’LL EVEN PASS!
WHAT?! When did I become like this?!
And just to clarify – it’s just with maths. For now.
But the thing is that maths was supposed to be my main subject for senior year.
You see, in my country, and our useless rotten school system, you are divided into ‘scientific’ and ‘literary’ classes in sophomore year (11th Grade). I won’t even try to explain any of those because it’d take me ages – but if you’re interested just leave a comment 🙂
Anyway, in senior year, the literary class stays as it is, and the scientific classes have to choose between two options: SG (Sciences Générales=General Sciences) or SV (Sciences de la Vie=Life Sciences). Basically, SG is a synonym for a shitton of maths classes and SV for biology (chemistry as well but mainly biology). SG makes you an architect. SV makes you a doctor. Yes, being in the Middle East, the policy of “be a lawyer, a doctor or an architect or else you’re a failure” is dominant.
Ever since I discovered about these divisions, I had my mind almost non-questionably made up: I’m going to be an architect. I’m with maths.
Now wait a second. Sidenote. If it were up to what I want to do, I’d go into the literary section without even having to think twice. My ideal job would be to write. But 1) as I stated once or twice before, writing won’t make me a living, and 2) you’ve probably noticed that I’m a pretty shitty writer. This whole post for example is incoherant, jumps from idea to idea, and has no clear point or purpose. That’s aside from my practically inexistant style. But this is my blog and I can write whatever the fuck I like, so watch me do it. Lelz.
But yeah, I need something that will make me and my family live comfortably. And I thought I had it in the bag, considering how good I was at maths and physics.
Not anymore.
I used to feel like maths exams were just an application of what I knew. I would go in there, solve the paper and present it.
This year? I haven’t been able to complete even one single test. ONE! I know everything at home. I understand everything completely. But when it’s test time, I blank out. I’M NOT LIKE THIS! Am I getting that much affected by my friends, who do the same?
I’m glad I understand the stuff, but it’s taking me much more time than previously. Now that has to be a natural aspect of going up higher classes, but I look around and I see that some of my friends are having no trouble at all. Just like I used to be. WHY AM I NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE?! I am so lost! And devastated. I consider this a failure from my part. I was supposed to be the guy everyone knew he’d be successful. Now I’m basically sidelined.
I feel stupider now because I’m pretty sure I’ve made this kind of post at least once before. You must be tired of my whining and I’m sorry. I’m just totally lost. Where do I go from here? What do I do? One thing’s clear: if every maths test I’m going to do is going to go this bad, count me out. I want nothing to do with it. It’s stupid and pointless. Sorry maths geeks.
I thought about it a bit, and I have come to the random conclusion that I want to be a college professor. It just sounds like something I’d enjoy. Maybe physics, or chemistry… Just college, not high school. God no.
I’m rambling. When did I start writing this again? Oh god. I don’t even want to reread this. Sorry if I made you do it.

I mean… I forgot I was writing this and now I found the draft two whole days later. Why am I even. But you know quite a bit happened today and I might have a clearer idea? Make another post about it? Heck yeah I will.

A Post From My Past Self

My past self is speaking… And it wants to tell you something.

My past self is saying… You are all being trolled. There is no past self. This is not a dramatic post.

Well technically I’m not lying – this is my past self talking. You see, my internet connection has sadly passed away recently and I’m offline but I CAN’T NOT FREAK OUT ABOUT MY EXAMS BEING OVER so I’ll just write this and post it when I get the chance. So when you read this… It’ll be my past self talking!

Oh but wait. Isn’t everything you read written by somebody’s past self?

And I thought I was being clever. Silly me.

Aaaaanyway, OMFG YAS MY EXAMS ARE OVAAAAAA

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS MONTHS WEEKS

I AM SO HAPPY EVEN THOUGH I DID TERRIBLE IN MATH but good in the rest so oh well.

I feel you deserve a compte-rendu of all my exams. Joking, of course you don’t, I just want to give you a compte-rendu because I’m that generous. Joking again, I actually just really like writing compte-rendus. And writing the word “compte-rendu” too. Fun!

Chemistry: first exam! I went in being eaten by nerves. I knew the first exercice. Then I didn’t know the second. Then I looked over the whole test and almost fainted because I saw so many stuff I had no idea about what they meant. I decided to skip the second exercice, and do what I know. So yeah I ended up completing all the exercices (I always freak out over nothing). I came back to the second exercice and in my THRILL about knowing how to solve the first question I FUCKING FORGOT TO DO THE REST OF THE QUESTIONS I AM SO DUMB but still I did well.

Philosophy: I just went in, wrote a jumble of everything I knew about epistemology, Kant, Bachelard, Popper and Plato, sprinkled some pep talk about freedom, and presented. I got my grade today; 14. BOOM. Highest.

[We interrupt our compte-rendu to inform you that our grading system is very very different from what you might be used to. We use actual numbers instead of singing the alphabet #woopsie. So yeah and the coefficient varies but I’ll just give you the grade over 20 to avoid confusion]

Civism: do you guys even have this stupidly useless subject? It’s where you learn about the law and stuff. I got 16.5 just like last time. Well I could’ve done better but it’s a very good grade compared to what I actually studied.

MATH: FUCK YOU MATH JUST FUCK YOU WHY IS IT THAT I ALWAYS UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING IN MATH BUT I DO AWFULLY IN THE TEST IT’S A CONSPIRACY I’M CONVINCED I still haven’t gotten my grade (tomorrow woohoo) but I’ll be lucky to get a sad 15. Not even. THEY JUST MAKE EVERYTHING SO HARD FOR US WHY GOD WHY THIS IS INJUSTICE I NEED to stop screaming.

Arabic: hm, actually not bad! The text was not unfamiliar and I got to trash talk celebrities in the writing assignment. Hopefully I’ll be able to scrape a 13!

[Another interruption: I understand, you must be *really* confused as to how 13 is considered good in one subject while 16 is not in another. Again, our grading standards are really weird and REALLY unfair and just generally shitty. Imagine that for half of our subjects, C/B/B- is the maximum grade. The literal maximum.]

Geography: I’ve been really lucky with these memory-based tests. I also did really well compared to what I studied! Because I didn’t even half study. Rebel.

Biology: I didn’t know at all what to expect, because our teacher is basically a lunatic and I had no idea if she had actually taught me anything. Turns out she *might* have? I didn’t find much difficulty in the test, hopefully that’d be reflected on my grades which I’ll get tomorrow!

French: one of my favorite subjects. The test was quite easy and I got a 14, my average (usually the highest grade but my friend Mini got 15 this time which is a great feat). The only thing that in perplexing is that we had the same subject for the writing as last year. And I got 5/8 this time while I got 6.5/8 last time. Guess it’s just teacher tastes!

History: I studied for this. Honestly. And I didn’t do bad. I’ll have to wait for lunday (WAIT WHAT I mixed Monday with Lundi I must be getting real sleepy lolz) for the grade but I hope it’s somewhere along 18.

Physics: THEY DID IT AGAIN! (This time it’s a happy scream). The test was SO EASY, honestly I love our teachers (YEAH YEAH I know I once wrote a whole post about how my physics teacher’s the biggest asshole BUT turns out he really is one of the best teachers this year). Thank GOD they gave us something to balance out the horrible Maths.

[Okay listen I always have to delete the “s” when I write Maths because you guys write it without one but that’s just how I’ve been taught so bye]

Last, but not least (well actually by some standards it IS least – least demanding, least exhausting, least… Thing), English! The English level at our school is so awfully standard that I pride myself on having actually reached the level of blogging and writing coherant stuff. So yep I did great. I always view the English exam as a fun little activity sheet.

Aaaaaand that’s it! Am I forgetting something?
Hmmmm
OH YES we had a religion exam (Catholic) and I got 16.5, not bad.

So NOW that’s it. Ugh, I can’t believe I’m DONE! Now I’ll have to wait for my grades. I WISH I had my scholarship secured, that way I wouldn’t give two shits about grades, but I have to do my best to earn the best scholarship I can.

I’ll make sure to post all my grades here, don’t worreh. I’m pretty sure you’re not remotely worrehd but oh well I’ll tell you anyway.

Wait has anyone even read this far?

Meh!

After our last exam, we had a little Valentine’s day celebration in the theatre (even though it was like 3 or 4 days later) and we sang and did some stuff but honestly not ONE performance wasn’t messed up somehow. (In the ‘mistake’ kind of messed up. Not the weird and disconcerting messed up. Although some stuff WAS weird and disconcerting. Huh.) But we still had fun especially that we were all so glad the exams were over.

Now it’s 12:33 A.M. and by the time of writing my internet connection is back again (yaaaay) and you’re not reading my past self anymore !

Oh but wait – I already established that everything is past me. Wo’evah. Bye!

Lol @ myself

You know that moment when you’re desperately studying for a test and you can just picture yourself so clearly sitting in that exam room tomorrow, staring blankly at your paper, not having any idea what all of these numbers mean?
It’s foreshadowing at its best. I literally am laughing at myself. Oh the level of panic is unreal.

Remember how I called my physics teacher a huge pile of shit?

Well… He’s not that huge of a pile.

Ugh.

When I wrote that post, I knew that there was a possibilty that I’d have to eat some of my words later. I didn’t care, because I was so frustrated.

In fact, everything that I wrote in that post was under the effect of cumulated anger and frustration. I was livid because the whole situation seemed unfair. I knew I’d get a low grade and it wouldn’t even be my fault.

Well, I got a low grade alright. But I wasn’t completely innocent.

The thing I was mad about was that he would not correct one of my questions that I did on the answer paper instead of the question paper, like he wanted. I really wasn’t just imagining it and insulting him over what I thought he’d do, I literally asked him if that was okay and he said ‘You’ll have to bear the consequences blahnlahblah.’ That in itself is a very stuck up and conceited thing to say. Especially when you just said it to mess with your students.

He did correct it. And I got that one right. Bitch, why’d you say you wouldn’t?! I feel like he just wanted to humiliate me. Did he expect me to beg? Gtfo.

The reason I still had a low grade was 1) the test was hard. The highest note was like 8/10 and many failed. Last year, 8 was considered mediocre. 2) my eyes are fucking stupid and idk how they saw the number 20 and wrote it down as 12 but it messed up one of my calculations. Seriously?! Lost me like half a point. Smh. 3) I never said that I didn’t mean any of the other things I said about him. He IS strict when it comes to presentation, and he DOES correct only following his method. The only question I really got wrong (not just stuff he’s picky about) was over 1 point, so really I could have gotten a 9. But I got a 7.

You might say, ‘Oh! I thought you failed. 7’s not bad’.
While it is in fact not too bad (it’s like the 5th highest in class), it is by my standards. The lowest grade I got in phsyics last year was like 9. I don’t feel like this year I’m worse, it’s just that our last teacher was the opposite: he was very easy to please when it came to answers, and just cared about the basics. Plus, he’d raise our grades if we asked nicely enough. I hope more teachers were like this in that way.

The reason I care so much is because my college scolarship depends on my grades. Especially my physics and maths grades, because I intend to pursue those subjects. But guess what? I got a 7 on maths too. That one has no excuses. Just me being awfully stupid. I’m really surprised and disgusted. It really made me want to punch something, probably myself, but I showed no sign of that in class and acted as though it was all fine and whatevs. Everyone got a better grade! I did get a 10 on the last test, so it’s 17 in total I guess, but still. Ugh.

Why am I talking about my grades here anyway. It’s probably boring you to death right now. Excuse me.

Imma go now and study, because I really don’t want this to happen again.

Wish me luck guys.

My physics teacher is huge fucking pile of shit.

Sorry for the – ahem – rather unconventional wording of my feelings but it is what it is.

He’s nuts.

Everything should be the way he wants. EVERYTHING. Every little insignificant thing needs to be how he thinks it should be.

I swear, he has a mental problem. It’s probably something like OCD. He’s the only teacher I’ve ever know who puts so much emphasis on how to present and how to write our name and how to out accents on words and useless shit like that.

WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH?! It’s OCD I tell you.

I mean WHY THE HELL DO YOU CARE IF I DECIDED TO WRITE MY TEST ON MY LEFT BUTTCHEEK. You just have to correct it and see if it’s right or wrong goddamit!

How is it remotely fair that I get a low grade even if I studied and learned the lesson and knew how to do the exercices, only because the teacher wanted me to draw the little representation thingy on the question paper instead of the answer paper. THEY’RE. BOTH. PAPERS.

And it’s not like he told us where to draw. Oh no no. We just had to guess.

Plus, the stupid helper lady herself told us that we were NOT going to present the question paper. If she doesn’t know, why doesn’t she shut the fuck up?!

I can’t belive how simple it is in other countries, they just have to circle the right answer. AND THAT’S IT. Why do we have to explain everything to a teacher who already knows how?! They always throw us the ‘so we know you didn’t cheat’ argument, but a cheater will cheat no matter what, and we’re all supervised by like 10 people. This is bullshit.

He taught my mom, and she told me she hated him because he was always conceited and haughty. She told me that. And she’s a teacher herself. So it’s really just not students hating on teachers. It’s people hating on pricks.

Look, the guy is obviously very competent, that’s not the problem. The problem is that he’s crazy. And when college is going to see my physics grade, how would I explain why some of these are low? Because my teacher was a pain in the ass? Is that it?

Ugh. This is all too unbelievably stupid to talk about. Awful old hag.

I can’t imagine the amount of trouble I’d be in if anyone at school found out about this post.

Who cares, I’m a rebel. Here’s a very accurate representation of said teacher:

image

Oh fuck you.

The First Day Of School (!!!!!okstopit) Part 2

I was just telling everyone in my last post how it went during my first day of school. As I found that I had been talking rather excessively, I decided to divide it in two. Anyway, as I was saying…

It really was nice seeing everyone again.

The first period was History. What an extremely boring way to start the week. How were we supposed to stay awake after the weekend if some old lady (with all my respect to this old lady) spent the first hour of the week going on and on about some war that nobody cares about? Well, I guess some people do care about the Second World War, but that’s beside the point.
Second period was Maths.
Does he do it on purpose?! I can’t believe how someone could speak as though he’d just learned how to, look like he had just been smoking weed, and teach maths to 30 students who really are serious about it.
I feel like I’m really being offensive here (if anyone at school found out about what I’ve been writing… I don’t even wanna think about it) but it’s just what I feel. He’s just so slow! I can’t deal with slow people! I hope I’ll get used to him later on.
About midway through maths I was called with about 5 other guys to go and help the Prefect distribute planners and textbooks to students in all classes. I came back about an hour later, by which time we had Chemistry with the same teacher from last year. She’s good at teaching, but she’s got this air of haughtiness and pretense. And it doesn’t help that half the boys have a crush on her. Not me though. I feel like we never really hit it off (like I do with almost all the other teachers – not that I’m this stereotypical teachers’ pet but I get along with them pretty well) and I’m sure she was the reason my other best friend was moved to the other class because we used to talk and laugh a lot during her classes last year.
Anyway, after the first 25-minute break of the day (that I spent with my friends debating who’s in the most awful class), the Headmistress/HeadNun (our school’s run by nuns. Oo that rhymes. NunRun. I feel like that’s the name of an app. Anyway) spent about 40 minutes going over the new and ever-evolving school rules (that shit’s getting ridiculous) and informing us about the elaborate punishment system that was going to take place from now on.
Why do they all think we’re an uncivilzed bumbling babbling band of baboons?!
There was 10 minutes left of the fourth period after that, which was Biology, and the new teacher seemed to know her shit. I liked her. Even though she creeped the creep out of me when she told us that she had actually been ‘following’ us in school since we were only 6 (turns out she’s been the Biology coordinator ever since – that means she supervises all the biology teachers and makes the tests).
Fifth and Sixth were Physics, one of my favorite subjects. The new teacher (by ‘new’ I mean new to us; he’s not exactly fresh – he actually teached my mother) seemed also very competent, but, just as mom recalls him, so obnoxious and pretentious and other –ious things. He wasn’t really mean to everyone (he did answer my question nicely when I asked, as I took care of being as polite as possible), but he did have a tendency at retorting nastily at things he doesn’t deem intelligent.
Finally, we had Theater, a subject we had only had once before during eighth grade. The teacher was very nice, and she made me excited about what were going to do during the year. She asked us all in turn abour our hobbies and our feelings toward theater and being on stage in front of an audience (not exactly a challenge for me) and our future ambitions. I told her that deep down I wanted to be a writer but since it’s not a very certain proffession, I was going to go for architecture. She told me to fuck it and just do what I love. I appreciated that, but it was easier said than done.
At last, the bell rang at 2:40, and we were free to go. At home, I watched the second episode of Breaking Bad (just got into that show, pretty intense) and then got down to business (a.k.a physics homework that took like 5 minutes).
I showered, had dinner, and started writing this post about an hour ago.
My fingers are numb. How much have I blabbed about? Guess I better make this a two-parter, in case I’m too busy to post something tomorrow (or because most of you will probably have dozed off by the middle of the post). Also, I’ll copy this previous sentence on to the beginning of the first post because it just seems cool. Like a déjà-vu for you. You’re welcome.

Wish me luck for the 175 days to go!