aVeryAwkwardParty

So yesterday I went to my first party ever.

It was like, my first ‘official’ party. A PARTY party. Not a birthday party, not a bachelor party, not a wedding party, not a christmas party, not a farewell party, a PARTY. A full out beach bar party.
We, CSR Seniors 2016-2017, threw our first party to raise money for next year’s prom.

Was I nervous?

I don’t even need to answer that. Guess.

The whole time I was like WHAT on EARTH do people do at a damn party?! They drink? I’m not going to get wasted! They dance? LOL. I don’t want to kill my little social relevance just yet. They flirt? HAHA right.

First off, I had to look the part. I had literally nothing to wear to a beach party. Only a few weeks ago had I come out of the shyness closet and started going to beaches and wearing airy clothes, so I had to go out and shop for new clothes.

My mom took me around town to different stores, and I ended up buying a lot more than I expected. There were sales and my mom just couldn’t resist making me try everything. By the way, those were my (early) birthday gift. I’m happy about that.

I got myself ready, pshhed a bit of perfume, and went with my sister. Oh god. Dad would not stop.
‘Don’t drink too much’
‘Stay AWAY from the beach. The will get you.’
‘Don’t leave your drinks unattended because people WILL try to put drugs and all kinds of nasty stuff in it.’
‘If you see a fight call security and possibly the police.’
‘Stick with your friends if you don’t like being raped.’
OH, and:
‘Take care of your sister’
‘Keep an eye on your sister’
‘Always check on your sister’
‘Make sure no one is hitting on your sister’
‘Your sister’
Etc.

After that short, long ride, we got there. Oh, did I mention that supposedly I helped organize the party? I was class prez this week so all 6 of us from different classes were behind the party. But I didn’t get too involved (for OBVIOUS reasons) so I felt more like a guest tbh.

First thing I did was go talk to my friends.

That also happened to be the thing I did for the entire. Rest. Of. The. Evening.

I’m not complaining though. I DID have fun. Way more than I was expecting. My closest friends were extra nerds and didn’t come, but one did and we basically spent the night with a few other friends, and the time passed quickly. I had a few Jamaicas and Orange Vodka (it felt so weird to be on the opposite end of the bar this time) (omg what a floppy bartender am I. Always behind the bar and never even tried it) but I didn’t feel like ‘drunk’ and stuff so that’s good (or bad? I don’t know, I wanna try being drunk for once and write a post while being it.)

At one point we all gathered at the beach (the waves didn’t get me, PRAISE JESUS HURRAY) and lit those cool flying lantern thingies (you like put some sort of burny candle thingie in it and once there’s enough air it flies). Some people were successful, some people failed at lighting it, some people’s candle dropped, but I was the only lucky one whose lantern literally got set on fire mid flight and started dropping firelets on people and tables and umberellas, causing terror and chaos. GOD. It was hilarious though, for whatever reason.

The entertainment was good, first we had a dance team put on a slayful show, then a singer came and sang basic songs (his voice slayed tho) and got da people goin. I tried to dance without looking too awkward and I think I somehow succeeded. A bit.

The best moment of the night was when my best friend and I got photographed by an instant polaroid camera. God, these photos are so precious. It made us look like movie stars from the last century. I keep it in my wallet and look at it from time to time to brag to myself how much of a movie star I am look.

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I actually look nothing like a movie star but oh well

The party died down about 3 AM and everyone went home. Poor dad, we woke him up to come get us (that’s right, ‘Don’t trust taxis!’)

It was a pretty good party, many people showed up and we made a quite nice sum of money (about 3500$). I have no idea how much throwing an awesome prom would exactly cost but we’ll just keep raising hell in the streets drink beer and get into trouble oooh heavy metal lovaaa as much money as we can.

Partying wasn’t that hard OR terrifying after all! I’m ready to take on another one. That is, with my friends by my side. WIIIIIII

I’m Sick (ft. Other Updates)

God I missed writing here.

Hey! 😀 how is everyone?
I’m feeling a bit blue, so I thought I’d talk on here.
I have definitely talked about this before. I will say it again.
The sadism in my school is unreal. UN. REAL.
They gave us an exam schedule for a non-exam. There is no motive. They just did. Gave us 11 tests to prepare for over the weekend.
And I officially cracked.
I had done my physics test on friday. I didn’t do well at all. I gave it all I had, and I still fell flat. I have no idea why this has been happening to me, but God, does it make me feel awful about my future.
Another subject I have discussed countlessly on here, so I won’t get deep into it, but I’m still as lost as ever when it comes to what I want to study/become later. The time to choose is looming closer and closer, and I’m just feeling more and more clueless. Doing bad on unexpected tests, doing surprisingly good in others, feeling like I want to just leave school for good – my mind is at war with itself. Nobody’s winning.
Yesterday, in church, I teared up. I felt hopeless. What was I doing? Where was I going? I had NO idea. And I kept on living my life just the way it is, not bothering to change anything up. Because I’m too much of a coward.
Anyway, I went to sleep last night, fully knowing that I’ll never be able to finish studying the next day.
I was not sure if I was sleeping or not. Ever experience that state of extremely uncomfortable half-asleep-half-awake-half-dreaming state? It was awful. I started hallucinating about trigonometry equations for some reason.
At 1:38 A.M, I woke up alarmed. My stomach was feeling weird.
Next thing you know, I was in the bathroom, throwing up, crying, clunching my stomach and my burning throat. I don’t need to go into much more detail because we all know it’s best to leave them aside. But it happened again an hour later, and I had no power to do anything but just stand there, looking at the pathetic mess facing me in the mirror.
Luckily, in a way, I wasn’tvexactly silent during the whole process, and while all I got from my sister was disgusted grunts telling me to stop, my dad got up and took care of me. He made me mint tea, and fed it to me spoonful by spoonful. I was scared I’d throw up again but I didn’t think anything was still down there.
I went to bed after that, already dreading what would happen when I finally wake up.
5:43 A.M. I wake up. No anomaly in sight. Usual routine of checking Gagadaily for news.
And oh boy what news I had!
BAYONSE THE QUEEN FINALLY GRACED US BY RELEASING HER 6TH STUDIO ALBUM, TITLED

LEMONADE.

I know. It sounded very weird to me at first. But who cares about the title? (Which actually eventually makes sense) FINALLY A NEW RELEASE. An appetizer while waiting for LG5.
Not only did Bey deliver 12 new tracks, it was a visual album. It was accompanied by an hour-long short film featuring all the songs in some sort of epic music video.
I have ALWAYS dreamed of something like this happening, but I always thought it was like a myth. Not something that would ACTUALLY happen!
Because of my tests, my conscience did not agree for me to listen to the album. NO kind of fun until that darn hell is over. It’ll be my congratulatory treat.
Well… About those exams.
I didn’t do them.
*GASP*
*GASP*
Well I may be the only one gasping but it’s the first time I’ve missed major exams ever so it’s normal I feel so rebellious about it.
After the incident Saturday/Sunday night, I woke up and I felt broken. Like literally, my body was in pieces. It pained me to move, and I couldn’t eat anything. I was very dehydrated, obviously, but I still was scared to drink too much. My head hurt like hell. There was no way I could study anything in that state.
So I just laid in bed, all day. Not studying anything. And do you know how stressful it is to sit there not studying when you’re not even sure whether you’ll do the tests or not? But I just did not have the power to study, so it wasn’t much of a choice of mine.
At that point, it was pretty clear that there was NOT going to be tests for me tomorrow. If I went, I’d flop HARD. On the one hand, the subjects were important (maths, chemistry) and I had a high grade in them so their cancelation would decrease the final one. But on the other, much heavier hand, if I did do the tests, I could get grades so low they’d decrease the final one a LOT. I had no choice.
I didn’t tell my friends right away, because I didn’t want it to feel like an IN YO FACE BISHES while they were studying their asses off. But when I did, they were very supprotive. Well except for my best friend who’s never supportive but that’s his thing so liek
The harder part was going to be convincing my parents to let me miss my exams. They are the hardest people to persuade, especially when it comes to missing school. Jesus.
They’re not even like NO U CANT STAi HOME U LIL BITCH, they’re like um hunty ain’t nuthn wrong with u like y do u even wanna stay it’s pointless ur argument is pointless bai
Um… DO YOU NOT SEE ME DYING HERE?
“But you’ll be fiiiiine tomorrowwww go do the teeeest”
But I haven’t even studied!
“You’ve been studying for like… 2 days! Why would you need more?”
BECAUSE I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT MY GRADES AND FUTURE AND COLLEGE AND DON’T WANT TO MAKE YOU SPEND FORTUNES ON ME?!
“Lol fine wutvr stay”
And that’s how I stayed.
The day was pretty sweet. The rebellious feeling inside me was almost too much, I felt like jumping off the roof screaming I’M HOME DURING MY TEST! or just doing ANYTHING that would get people to know that I skipped school. Like it wasn’t even some crazy act! I was sick for God’s sakes!
Later during the day, mom came home. She wasn’t happy. At all.
“They called me up from school. Asking for yo ass. Bitch what was I supposed to tell em? I aint no lyin hoe.” (I don’t know in what world my parents have a ghetto accent but I like it and will keep it)
“How about you just tell them I’m sick, considering I AM!”
“Bitch stfu I did but they was all like hunty we aint buyin yo shit we nees to see the receipts or yo son aint doin no more tests”
“Works for me!”
“Aw really? Damn well. Get a 0 and fail dem exams, who needs to pai 4 ur tuition anyway”
(Okay this is getting old)
So yeah, turns out I needed to present a doctor’s report so that they count me absent and not give me a zero.
I lost my shit at first and was all worried but mom fixed me up and got me my report. It was valid for two days, but I still wanted to go do my exams the next day because if I didn’t my grade would drop a lot (because those tests held my grade high and I needed them especially after the awful physics test).
And so I went. I started my biology test feeling confident that I wanted to ace this. But when I saw it, I almost passed out because the questions made no sense to me. I started panicking, I got tensed up, my brain could not process anything, and my stomach kicked in. I couldn’t do it. I got a permission to go see the headmistress/nun to whom I had presented my report earlier in the morning.
Luckily, she remembered me. She also knows me because as a class president I have to speak to her in case we have a request or want to talk about something. Plus, she knows I have the highest grades in my class. In short, she knew I was a serious student.
She immediately offered to call my mom and ask her to come and take me home. I kindly disagreed, told her I needed to do the other tests for my grades, and she was sort of amused at how she was the one telling me to go home and rest and I was the one insisting on staying. She ended up calling my mom to ask her what I should eat and take as medicine. I bought some cupcakes from a store close to the school and the nurse gave me a pill for my stomach. I spent the time studying for my next test which was this subject I still have no idea what it’s called in English so I’ll just use the unconvincing Google translation which is ‘public spirit’ (but mostly deals with politics and how the government works and such). I took that test and did very well in it.
I finished, got out if the classroom and found mom waiting for me near the principal’s office.
“Hoe who even told u 2 come liek who invited dis bitch”
(Sorry mom. I’m doing it for the blog.)
Turns out she had free time and came to check up on me.
I still had Philosophy and English. The latter was the one I most insisted to take because it was my best subject.
But suddenly I thought of something. I ran to my English teacher and asked her if she’d put my project/oral test’s grade as my final grade, and she agreed, and I was thrilled because I had a very high grade.
After I got all my businesses sorted out, I could leave with a clear conscience. So I went to the principal and thanked her for everything, checked up on my friends who were like totally not jealous, and left.
And that’s how I ended up doing 4 out of my 11 tests for this semester. #NotEvenSorry.

The tests were over, and you know what that meant… LEMONADE TIME!
I finally listened to that album after all these years months weeks days. And may I just say, WOW. That was such a beautiful piece of work. Everything felt connected, poignant, alive, fierce, powerful, Beyonce. Special mention goes out to Jay Z whose repulsing and rat bastardy attitude inspired this album. May he never heal from all the Bey-stings he received.
And do NOT get me started on that short film… Just… Jesus. It was like all my dreams coming true. I actually want to review it soon in a later post but hopefully this ‘soon’ won’t be a Gaga ‘soon’. For those of you non-popculturehoes, that means it will probably never come.

Wednesday was okay. I got my physics grade. 14/20. Bad. Not terrible, but very bad. For me. I gave the teacher such dirty looks that I felt he almost wondered if he should hire a security guard for the night.
It was the last day of school for our seniors, and they had a big party, like every year. Music, water fights, they even got colored powder and trashed the whole gym with it, throwing it around at themselves and making a huge mess with water.
I felt uneasy. We had one year left. One year. As much as I hate school’s guts, I really don’t want it to end. Even now, these moments feel priceless. I can’t believe how much I’ll miss it when it’s finally over.
Anyway, I was glad to go home that day because it’s the beginning of the second short Easter break (for the orthodox I think). Today was the first day, there are 5 left. I spent it helping mom prepare for my sister’s birthday party tomorrow (while her actual birthday was two weeks ago), baking (and failing) dozens of cupcake recipes and making crafty stuff with crepe paper.

This has officially become the longest, most boring and useless post I ever posted and I wonder if anyone managed to read through it. I’m convinced no one will, heck, even I don’t have the energy to reread this.

Wow. Good job Anthony. Such good blogging quality you’re delivering.

Oh well, no matter, I wanted to write because it’s been a while and I’m glad I did. Hope you guys have wonderful weekends and if you celebrate Easter this week, Happy Easter!

Some people are pricks.

I’m sorry for posting two consecutive pissed-off posts, but I had to.

If you’re new to my blog, I swear I’m usually cheerful and all. But gaahhhghhahahagagsgshsksjksksj

I’m fucking mad.

Put yourself in this situation: if you find out, by chance or by wit, that your friends are throwing you a SURPRISE birthday party, do you a) keep quiet and act surprised or b) tell them that they ain’t foolin you?

IF YOU’RE A PRICK, CONGRATS, YOU PICKED B).

I mean when my friends threw me a party for my birthday, I literally knew like every single detail, but I tried my best to act surprised, because it would make them feel great. And really, I did not care at all, and was so grateful that they thought of me and tried their best to make my birthday memorable (and it worked – check out this post if for some reason you’re interested in knowing how.) I didn’t tell them ‘meh, srsly guys it was all obvious down to the presents’. I only told one person, and this lovely girl is the only one who’ll probably read this so it’s alright (although she hasn’t been on here in a while…. Gah they give us so much work to do.)

So like, if you find out your best friends are throwing you a party, just KEEP QUIET! Because it could ruin everything. We don’t need to know that you’ve out-smarted us. Yay for you. Move on.

Now in reality not everything is ruined, I think the person I’m referring to noticed that it made me upset and dropped the subject quickly. So I guese he’ll try to act surprised for my sake.

If he doesn’t… Oh well. I tried. Fuck him.

I’m quite pleased with myself tonight. But I also kinda hate myself(?)

Today was my uncle’s highly anticipated (by us who haven’t done anything all summer) wedding party. It was in a very nice garden, and I was wearing a very nice suit. I quite rocked it #hashtagblessed . 

After dinner the music started getting louder and more upbeat. Everyone was leaving their seats. At last, Fancy started playing and I gave in, threw aside my blazer and stepped onto the dance floor.

It was my first time being on any kind of dance floor. Not that I don’t like dancing; it’s actually one of my favorite things in the world, and I dance all the time, I just do it in my room by myself. 

Today, however, I looked around at all the other guys and they were just goofing it, like they didn’t know what the heck they were doing but they just did it with such ease and confidence that no one questioned it. 

So I started thumping my feet to the rythm, clapping my hands to the beat, just moving from side to side as if I was only listening to Charli XCX singing about trashing hotels and going from L.A. to Tokyo on my speakers at home.

And sure enough, nobody took notice, and I started really enjoying myself. I had done it! It wasn’t really that hard. At least with non-arabic songs (those are just too confusing to dance to), but I’m fine with that for now.

Now, when I say in the post title that I ‘hate myself’, it’s really just exaggeration. I’m on okay terms with myself actually.

See, there was this nice girl, and she was dancing close to me. She was looking as though she’d like a partner to dance, and I was thinking hey, why not me? But in the meantime I was also giving myself loads of reasons for ‘why not me’. 1- I just started dancing for the first time like an hour ago. 2- I’m still not great at it and I’m basically repeating the same ‘move’ if you call it that. 3- I had never done this before. I had never ‘hit’ on a girl, let alone ask her to dance! 

Slowly, though, I also started convincing myself that I should just go in, everything has a first time, and the worst that could happen is that she gets bored after a minute or so and I’ll have to just pretend I heard someone calling (not that hard with all the loud banging music).

Unfortunately, I didn’t act quick enough, and my ‘friend’ (well actually just my friend, I just wanted to use the because they make it sound shady) swooped in on her and they danced for the rest of the night. He did have a lot more experience than me though (with girls, not dancing – he was dreadful. But still confident. I guess that’s what girls want), so that was fine, and I just continued dancing feeling slightly disappointed in myself but overall pleased that I was still giving the impression of not caring.

Overall, I had a really fun night. I met nice new people, ate some great deserts, drank nice champagne, learned to dance in public, and looked great doing it (that is of course relatively to how I look usually). I’m not going to let this tiny failure at a feeble attempt – if you can even call it that – make me feel less than great. I guess I learned from my experience what to do if something similar happens another time.

To cap it off, here are some pictures from the wedding:

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Food and naked mermaids, yay!
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Diz me & My Sis. Not the Potterviewster Sis. The Other Sis.