and though i wanted affection
i was tired of rejection
i kicked the habit.
i put love on the shelf
and agreed with myself:
i’d never have it.
but it’s like you knew
and you came out
out of nowhere
and into my life
it took you a while
-hello, allie x
you made my late night thoughts your home.
i fought to kick you out, yet a part of me was still paying your rent. every. single. day.
and now i’ve suddenly found you’ve moved out on your own, only as i realized somebody else was moving in.
we accept the love we think we deserve.
i don’t know if i thought i deserved better, or if i thought i didn’t deserve you..
i just knew you weren’t mine.
why do i crave your attention? i know this will never go anywhere. i know that if it did, i would probably stop it.
but the thought of me in your thoughts is exhilerating.
you’re not on my mind. not tonight. it feels less lonely with you gone, even if for a second.
is this heartache? headache? bellyache? i can’t even feel the places you’ve crawled into. my mouth is dry. maybe that’s where i miss you the most.
i hate that i can’t get through the night without having to write about you.
and i reconciled myself the way i knew best: i allowed myself to hope. a few seconds of hope, and the waves devoured themselves into a creek, softly rushing away, trickling with excitement until the next time. until the next sigh of relief. until the next tragedy.
don’t let me be your first, he whispered, not knowing that in so many ways, he already was.