College hasn’t even started yet and I still managed to fuck shit up: a story.

For those of you who don’t know, I’m majoring in English. 

Classes start on Monday, and today – Thursday – was the Orientation day at the college I’m attending (the Lebanese American University), where we meet the faculty and staff, our advisors and supervisors, get to know the (worryingly large) campus and all its buildings, learn where we will be taking our classes, and most importantly what to do on the first day.

Or so I thought.

I got up early this morning and got dressed in what I hoped would be something presentable but casual. I mean, I didn’t want to look like I was going to a funeral. It would look like I couldn’t wait to get to college and be a grown up. Which I completely am; but I didn’t want that to be the impression I gave off.

I arrived 5 minutes early (I live just a few minutes away from college), and headed for the weirdly named building I was supposed to be at. There were lots of students – none of which I knew. They were all congregated in small groups, chatting and fussing over their papers, and as I kept walking towards the registration table it hit me how lonely I was going to be for the first while. I mean I always knew it was going to be this way… But it became very real at that moment. I’m now writing this post teary eyed because for some reason 80’s Films by Jon Bellion just reminded me of school and that made me bawl. Back to my wonderful story now.

I spotted my name tag, pointed it out to the lovely lady at the table so she can hand it to me along with a platic case and register my name, and looked around to see if other newbies were wearing theirs. They weren’t, so I slid mine into my pocket. I walked a few steps away and leaned against a pillar as casually as I could. I had hardly begun scrutinizing my peers before some old lady came and shuffled us into an auditorium.

I sat in the front, but not too in the front, otherwise you will threaten the man (dOeS ANyOnE gEt tHe reFeREnCe???2). 

It was at that point that I started getting annoyed, as I knew I would. For starters, in true les gens chics sont toujours en retard fashion, we had to wait a good half hour before everyone could be assed to take a seat. Second – actually I’m gonna need me a whole paragraph for second.

Honey, I get it. You’re at the Lebanese American University. You know English. You even passed the SAT to get here! Well done! But can we focus on our college’s name for a second? Let’s see. LAU. Not ALU. You’re in a primarily Lebanese university, because it’s located in Lebanon, it’s run mainly by Lebanese people, and most of the attendants are LebaneseYou do not need to speak every sentence in English with that horrible accent of yours. We can understand Arabic, we’ve been speaking it before we knew what English was, and attending an American university did not take away your ability to speak it like you do everywhere else. How can they not hear how obnoxious they sound? Sestras and Brotha Sestras, I’m an English major; trust me, I can write and speak the language more efficiently, fluently, and with a far less atrocious accent than any of you. I’m aware of how pretentious that sentence was, but the key point is that I don’t do those things in your face. This is getting me boiled up all over again, I’m gonna stop. I’m certain you got the point.

So there I was, sitting there waiting while having to listen to people english-ly talking in obnoxious cliché phrases, thinking of creative ways to shut them up, even though deep down I was craving for someone to talk to myself.

At long last, the presentation started with some man whose attire suggested he waited tables in a Lebanese restaurent making us play a game (we had to count to 20, if two or more people said a number at once we started over) and it was funny for the first 4 seconds before a bossy girl (I’m settling for bossy to keep it civil) decided she was going to run dis shit (“Can’t some just lead them?!”) but actually ruined dis shit because the point of the game is the suspense and hesitation before saying a number and not knowing who’ll say it with you, not pointing at people and making them say the numbers in order. We’re not learning to count. But good for her for thinking she saved the day.

We met the soon-departing Dean of Students, who introduced himself by making us play a small game where whoever guessed what was in his bag won it. Turned out to be Mars chocolate bars, and the whole point of this was so that he could say “I brought Mars bars because actually my name is Mars!!!!” A cute old man (not in that way you pervert), but as I said he’s leaving soon so we met the new Dean who was considerably younger, considerably larger, and had a considerably better accent.

The rest of the presentation was a series of videos depicting skits that brought to life the boring rules and regulations no one would have bothered to read otherwise. There was also that infamous Consent With Tea video which was really awkwardly timed because we hadn’t been even a bit near the serious topic of sexual harrassment, and everyone was laughing at it because they thought it was another funny skit while I, having watched the video before and knowing it wasn’t about forcing tea down someone’s throat but something much more -ahem- solid, sat there torn between shaking my head in cringey desolation and downright laughing at the situation. I can still hear how the room rang silent when the video ended with something like “if it’s not hard to understand the concept of consent with tea, why is it hard when it comes to sex” and the Dean continued about how no one basically owes sex to anyone. Yeah. You can imagibe.

The disastrous part came at the end of the presentation. Disastrous for me, that is.

They divided everyone into groups according to their majors and fields. Biology, Chemistry, Business, Pre-Med, Psychology, Journalism… No mention of English, languages, or humanities. Finally, there remained a bunch of people including me, and the waiter guy said “the rest of you are Arts and Sciences Freshmen, right? Please follow whateverhisnameis”.

When I heard “Arts and Sciences”, I relaxed: that was the name of my departement! Phew. I got up and happily went with them, completely ignoring the key word in the sentence: FRESHMEN. Not that I didn’t hear it clearly; it just meant nothing to me. I had no idea what Frehsmen in college were; I just assumed they were first years, which I was. And so I went with it, and followed them.

Two friendly and thankfully down to earth a.k.a arabic speaking advisors showed us around the campus, told us about the different buildings, and warned us about a particularly slippery staircase. I was absorbing everything in as Always. (Does anyone get that reference?)

After about an hour, we went to an out of service cafeteria, dragged chairs into a bad circle and sat there looking awkwardly and furitively at each other while the advisors attempted to make us play a game (2 truths and a lie, which was a frankly moronic choice since none of us knew anything about each other so all we could do was randomly guess which fact was the lie). That was where I started picking up that something was off: they all came from weird and unfamiliar sounding schools, they looked confused when I said I studied General Science as a high school senior, and they were talking about chosing their majors. Weren’t they supposed to already have chosen one, like I, and all my friends, have? Naturally I brushed it off instead of asking the advisors about it, because that’s just what you do in this type of situations.

The final stop was a lecture with the woman who was in charge of the whole freshman program, and that was where I discovered the huge mistake I had made.

Freshmen were people who didn’t graduate high school. They didn’t pass their official exams, and they didn’t have a major yet. 

You can only imagine how embarrassing and suffocating it felt, realizing I had been sitting with the wrong crowd the entire day. My hands started fidgetting, my forehead began sweating, and my high school diploma and official exam scores were deeply offended.

I felt trapped: what was I to do in that conference room, with the woman going on and on about the freshmen requirements that did not concern me in the slightest? Raise my hand and confess I had spent 4 hours being oriented to a completely wrong direction? That would just be humiliating and SAD.

I thought about what choices I had and I came to the conclusion that I could do nothing but get the fuck out of there. So I just pretended my phone was ringing, got out of the conference room and ran accross the halls, twice in the wrong direction like they do in cartoons. I was pissed at myself, and that’s putting it lightly.

It doesn’t end there, though: as I was running away, I spotted an advisor getting out of the toilets. I tackled her. I told her all about what happened to me, and I could tell she was fighting that laugh so. damn. hard. But she was extremely nice and didn’t even tell me I was an idiot. She checked her schedule, and told me the devastating news that the English conference took place during the first presentation. I had subjected myself to endless cringe and awkwardness for n o t h i n g. I was close to crying, but of course I didn’t because fuck it Anthony, you’re in LAU and you’re not going to cry over a missed conference even though it was probably the most important thing like ever. I was upset, and I was angry; like excuse me but that was an Orientation day, for new students. How was I supposed to know everything? Couldn’t they have a done a better job making sure everyone was where they were supposed to be? 

I don’t know if she said it because it was the truth or because she sensed that I was devastated, but she told me that the conference wasn’t really that important anyway and that I didn’t miss anything major. She then proceeded to take me on a personal tour of the college to make sure all my questions were answered (most importantly, the location of the Library) and I got out of there knowing everything I needed to know.

Maybe it wasn’t a disaster after all, but I just couldn’t believe I missed my first ever college lecture concerning my major. I feel considerably better now, even though my nerves are building up. I’m going to be a huge knot of crippling nervousness by Monday. Hopefully it will peak at 1:55 PM, and by 2:05 it would have died down. 

TWO MORE DAYS AND I’M A C T U A L L Y GOING TO COLLEGE.

YOU GUYS.

Snapchattez-moi!

After months and months of going against the flow and being an unapologetic bitc rebel, I finally gave in and made a Snapchat account.

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AND NOW I’M OBSESSED

THESE FILTERS ARE EVERYTHING!

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AND THE FACE SWAP OMG THE FACE SWAP IT DESTROYED ME

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Anyway, I’d love it if you’d add me: @anth.gemayel

Feel free to send me a surprise snap anytime because I’d probably be bored during that particular time and you’d make me happy. Don’t you want me to be happy? *bats eyes*

Bai

FANFIC FRIDAY: MIRANDA SINGS SETTLES ALL (ADVENTURES WITH MIRANDA FIC: THE FINALE)

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So…
This is it. The final piece in my legendary epic: Adventures With Miranda. Just kidding, I think like 4 people in total read it. Including me. But I’m proud of it, and I’m happy to present this final installation.
Enjoy!

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FINALE: MIRANDA SETTLES IT ALL

I follwed the peoples to the insides of the churtsh. It was ugli thb. It was al wite and flowersy. The sits wer pi£nK. Ther wer roze petels all on the floor and witeh carpet. Disgusgin!i  stared screemin that tehse people were racist terroristics who killd the plants jus for ther own twisted pleajur and to throw them away on the flour wher peoelpe squitsh them!!1 but no oen even herd me cuz they wer all talkeng at de samw time.

I went and sat in the bak. Jotshua still hadnt even invited me yet and i didn wnat my plan to fail jjst cuz of him seein me at the his weding. So i tok a vase and stiked it inmy head. Now teyr gona think im an inocent lamp.

As i stood ther it staredt to itch down there. But lamps dont hev private parts so it would hav bin wierd to scratch.
Finely, the stoopid baground moosic stoped to be replased by live musec thats even mors horible. But i coudn see from the vase, so i poked a whole in it to my eyes. I almos screemd so hard evryones ears would have bleeded as much as my eyes at that monment. But i didn ccuz im a good spy who steys underkover. So i just stayed ther, blood smeerin my lips wiz more red. It must hav luked so lutshess and kewl.

On the shine side, i coud see now, even thru all the bloods. Jotchau was on the altar, righ nest to my meats. That hoe, he didn even eat them! I bougt them for nothin.

Then… A flower girl? WATT?!?! I WANTED TO BE A FLOWER GURL!!!!@!! WY DINT HE EVEN AKS ME?! i was gettin osoooo titted of rite now. Am so angry at them you dindt even now it. I wanted to hurt. Bad.

And at last………

…………….

………

.

..

Cowleeen. Wiz an old man. I think hes my dad but im not even shur cuz i dont see him a lot. It was usully just ny unkle.

He waked her up the ile, steppin on the pour litle rose petels like theyr inocent slaves. ‘Ill revendge u, rodzes!’ I said to maself.

She arivd at the alter nest to jutshoa. Hi smiled at her fugly fatce. Urgh i was goin to threw up.

‘Do you, Joshua Evans, take Colleen as your wife?’

‘I Do’

‘BOOOOOO’, I said, but no one even herd me cuz they wer buzy clappin. Idoits.

‘Do you, Colleen Ballinger, take Joshua s your husband?’

‘I Do’ that hoe said.

More clapin. It was liek moestiquo saeson all over agin.

‘You may now kiss the bride’ said the old man. They leened in.

‘NOT SO FAST, FAGGETS’.

I was done. He was NOT goin to kitss her and cheet on me in fornt of eveybody!! I took off the vase and smatshed it for darmatic efect.

‘Miranda?!’ gasped Josh.

‘What’s that crazy bitch doing here?’ said colean.

‘WHADYOU CALL ME YOU FUCKIN CUNT?!’ I screeched. Forgt goin to hell. Im not goin to let zis happen even if it took me bad werds to say.

‘This is my wedding! It’s my moment!’

‘BUT HES MY FUCKIN BAE YOU SLUTY HOEBAG!’

‘Calm the hell down Miranda!’ said Jotsh.

‘Not anymore then! Go back to sucking your uncle’s-‘

‘UR SHITHOLE OF A MOUTH WILL NOT TELL ME WAT TO DO YOU TWAT IV HAD IT WIZ U’

And so I puld out my gun.the crowed gasped. Then some1 screemed and they started runnin in every diretshen, hoeever colleen seemd glued to her spot with terrorise. Josths tried to move her but two late.

‘Say gudbye to your lyfe, queef’

‘Miranda! NO!’ screemed jotsh

‘YETS!’ I said

‘You can’t do this!’

‘DON TEL ME WAT TO DO’

‘NO, SERIOUSLY YOU CANT DO THIS. YOUL RUIN ALL OUR LIVES’

‘WATCH ME (wip naenae) MOTHERFUCKER’

And i puld the triger. 1secund later, i felt so mush pain in my left hands.

‘OUCH! WHO SHOTED ME?!’

No one replyd. I decided to finnish with it quikly.

‘MIRANDA NO CAN’T YOU SEE-‘

I barly heard his stuped shouts as I emptid my bulets in coleens body. Her head her chesticles her tookie and her eye crusties. Blodd exploded from e

 

vrywher. For a second i was truimphant.

But then…

I died.

FANFIC FRIDAY: MIRANDA GOES TO PARTY (Adventures With Miranda Fanfic – Part 7)

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After a break last week (pfff no I didn’t forget I just.. um.. turtles?) Fanfic Fridays are back yaaay.
Just a heads up: it might not be up next week because 1) exams and 2) I always have trouble finishing stuff. So wish me luck on both!

ADVENTURES WITH MIRANDA
PART 7: MIRANDA AT THE WEDDIN PARYT

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When i got out of my car and went inside the churtch, the bride an groom werent there. Ther were peepol and guetsts. I put my meats on the gift table, which i guets was the altar.

The guetsts were goin throu a door that lead to a bootiful garden. I folowed them so that nobody gets suspitshus.

Everyone was tchatin and smilin and laughin. I was at the food table. There werent even any meats! Not even koolaid?! What the even heck was this?! There was just hommade cookies!! I ate them anyways. There was also glatses of sparkly waters. I found them intretsting and took one.

Then, i sawed glozell! I wento tak to her

‘Hi guyzel its me miranda.’

‘Miranda! I didn’t know you were invited! Whas’ good?’

‘Nothin.’

‘Ooo damn. You seem to be pissed off at summat.’

‘Its nonoyour bizness’ i said, and i drinked all the sparkly juices. It tasted like somethin i never even tatsted before. It made my throat and organs and intestines so warm! 

‘I love this juce watisit?! Its even beter than koolaid!’

‘That’s champagne gurl.’

‘…

.

.

W

w.

W

Wwq

WWHHATATAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT?!?!?!? IM DRINKIN ALCOHOLSS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??! OH MY GODNES FORGIMME LORD I HAVE SINNED I DRINKED THIS DISCUSTIN ALCOHOL IT WASN MY FAULT IT WAS THER ON THE TABLE WHAT HAVE I DONE OMIGOODNESS’

I ran away from my shame and hid in a broom closet. I found a botle of soaps so i ate them to watsh my mouths from these alcohols. It maked me gagged sobad liek i was chokin on somethin. It reminded me o my uncle for som reasen but i cant remember why even. He was ded anyways now so idosnt mater.

I finally detcided that it was time for me to come out of the closet. But not like tylar or joee or conner or hana cuz im not a lebenese.

They were now playin the song wach me wip that naynay that i made a vidio of lassmonth. So i starred doin it two and i was goud but i saw that GOZELL was TWERKIN the PORN WAY!!! I went to hide her butticle cracks but even more peepol startd twerkin like that so i new that i had to scar them to stop it. So i took my gun and pushed it into glodzels butt.

She started screeming but lukily stoped twerkin and all the others stoped to. 

Someone said ‘shoud we call 911?’

So i yelld at him ‘yarite these aren even the rite lyricts! Youll now it wen i cover it tomorow on my tchanel’

Sins the scare worked goodly enough and fast, i detcided that it wasn netcetsary to shoot the gun anymor so i took it bak from glodzels butt and licked it to remove the crusts on it. Besides that i was savin the shoots for something elts. Somone else, shoud i say it.

As i wakd away, i herd glozell muter ‘Next time you shove a dildo up my butthole, I’m shoving three down all o’yours, you bitch.’ I wondered hootchie was talkin to, and wat didlo means. Im shur i once ate one o these before. They tatsted squitshy thou.

Wen wazzis wedin even gona start?! Im getin tireded.

An sudenly, my qwetshen was ansered. A voitse said ‘Joshua and Colleen’s wedding ceremony will begin in a moment! Please re-enter the church and take a seat to share this special moment with them!’

Finaly. It was time.

They wanted a speshel moment? Ill give it to them. ill make it s

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o speshel it woud be unfergotable even.

Ho ho ho.

SELP HELF BY MIRANDA SINGS! (iReview Special)

ASDFGHJKLASDFGHJKL

I’M OFFICIALLY DEAD.

IT’S HERE!!!!1!1!11@1!

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LOOK HOW PERFECT IT IS (〒︿〒)

Ever since I heard the news that Miranda would be releasing a book about half a year ago, I have been dreaming of the moment when I finally lay hands upon this splendid piece of art.

It was released in July, around my birthday. I was secretly hoping I would get it as a gift, but it wasn’t even available in my country at that time.

I kept checking with the (only) local bookshop and they still didn’t have it in stock… Until one glorious day! But the price was fucking 25$. I could not bring myself to pay that sum, because 1) I really don’t have that much money to spare and 2) I knew that this wasn’t the final price because it’s just been released and also I doubt anyone from here watches Miranda, let alone be ready to pay for her book. 

I was actually right: I checked a few weeks ago and it had went down to 20$. For some reason I thought it was much more affordable and reasonable than 25$.

I decided that I was going to wait until the Bookyard (a monthly event where book nerds exchange/buy/sell books that I’ve talked about in my last post), make some money and buy it. Unfortunately, the Bookyard got postponed for 3 weeks later. 

At first I was like meh okay. But, as I was once sitting and doing nothing, an unexplicable impulse seized me and I just felt the need to own that book in the very moment. I didn’t try to stop myself – usually in these situations I like to see how far I’m willing to go.

I dialled the bookstore and said ‘Hi. I want Selp-Helf by Miranda Sings.’

‘Self help?’

‘Um no… Selp Helf… They’re like the letters they are scrambled in the end like… It’s a um kinda humor book… Do you have it?’

At that point, the effects of my crazy-impulsive-moment had completely worn off and were replaced by utter embarassment.

‘Yep, we found it in our catalogue.’

‘Really?!’ I was submerged by relief. I’m not crazy, yay!

I ordered the book and they told me they’d call me on the following Monday if it came.

Once it was Monday, I immediately went to the store after school without them calling me. I was right to do so, because it had come!

I was so emotional. The moment I saw the book I felt such a wave of joy, and also a huge need to burst out laughing. I was grinning without even meaning to, and as I paid for my book I could tell from the workers’ amused smirks at the shop that they were thinking what the fuck is wrong with this kid. I was in no position to care, though.

I got out of the store holding the book like a new born, and got in the car. My mom told me to show her what I got, and I showed her, and she was like ‘*gasp* don’t tell me it’s that stupid girl you watch!’ And I was like ‘yeah’ and she was like ‘shit’ (just kidding, but she must have thought it).

As soon as I got home, I… Wait, I’ll let you guess:

a) Started reading the book like there’s no tomorrow

b) Displayed the book on a high shelf and let it rest there till I have time to read

c) Started taking selfies with the book like any normal person would do

I’m normal, so I chose (c)

Out of all the pictures I had fun taking, this one is the least embarrassing, and still I’m sure I’ll regret posting it a few seconds later:

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Lol at me trying to pull off a Miranda expression while still not looking like a crazy psycho

Then I started reading.

JUST KIDDING! I wasn’t gonna do that yet because I’m not a basic bitch, so I took the book (rhymes lolz) on a house tour. I’ll post some of our most memorable and captivating moments sometime later because my internet decided to be shitty and not upload my photos.

For real now, after that I had to start reading.

I had one fear: that I’d finish the whole thing in one sitting! 

The book is 240 pages long, but the writing in it covers about 40. I’m not complaining, because the pictures make it even better and miranda-like, but I didn’t want it to just end like that! So I gave myself the rule of not reading more than 20-30 pages per day. 

That was a hard task, because the book just FORCES you to turn the pages. IT’S SO ENTERTAINING!

ESPECIALLY that, as you may or may not know, I had no phone for the two weeks following my purchase of the book, so I literally had nothing else to entertain myself with.
The book really is hilarious. I respected my limit (sometimes going just a tiny bit over), and I still enjoyed it a lot. I feel like I finished it at the perfect moment, because it was just after the Bookyard, so I had other books to be excited about (ugh I can’t wait to show you).

I think I will be posting some of the funniest pages sometime in the future, when I (inevitably) reread it. 

I recommend this book to every Miranda fan out there, obviously, and also to people who appreciate dark silly humor and are patient and kind enough for Miranda and her life-changing advice. If you don’t take no bullshit from no one and have no time for this type of things, don’t bother because it’s not for you.

Finally, I give this book 5 out of 5 lisstiks 💋💋💋💋💋

HATERZ BACKOFF!