These are the thoughts I keep.

I’m drowning in thoughts.

Typical. Why am I drowning in thoughts? 

I honestly do not have enough energy to try to find that out. Do I have to scrutinize every single thing I do? Let me be, dear self.

The thing is I’m tired of being against myself. Yes, I came here to lecture myself about how I don’t deserve to drown in thoughts because my worries are minimal. But I’m human. And I have thoughts. And I can’t stop them. Drowning might be an overstatement, but how captivating would it be had I written “I have a few thoughts”? Yep.

Thoughts about what, you might ask? A really, really mismatched array of topics. They go from brooding about the nature of my personality, to thinking about how Where Have You Been by Rihanna was my jam in 2011. I have a really good band I want to talk about but I feel like it would be too huge of an off-topic.

I don’t dislike my thoughts. I’m not particularly fond of them either. They’re just there, and I have to deal with their presence I suppose.

Enough bullshit. Why am I way too fucking good for people? Come on. I fucking love. I love so much. I put so much love out there and no one’s there to receive it. Or is it that they are so used to that love that they don’t notice it anymore? Would its absence create a void, or would it erase me from their minds?

I’ve been told I need to let people miss me so that they know my ‘worth’. What kind of friend would require of you to prove your worth? But that’s not it. I won’t fool myself and try to find excuses for what I am: a pushover. 

I am an incredibly weak person. I could spend days elaborating, but it would do me more harm than good. In short, not only do people walk all over me, but it seems I’ve been inviting them to do so with my full consent. My back is a metaphorical doormat. 

How? I let them take me for granted. No one, not a single one of my friends worries that Anthony would ever get seriously upset at them or leave. Anthony is weak, and he will always come crawling back, begging for forgiveness until he restores the status quo. Anthony hates conflict, and will claim any accusations and declare himself guilty of anything to avoid it.

I couldn’t face you, I can see that now.

I just took a look at the rest of the lyrics of the song I remembered this line from… And I am in awe.

Sometimes I push you, into the night;

To the darkest place, the only time we meet

But I won’t need to hurt; or for us to fight;

But most of the time these are the thoughts I keep

3 thoughts on “These are the thoughts I keep.

  1. *sending many virtual hugs* Well, personally I think you are an amazing person Anthony and people rarely appreciate what they have. We need more nice people in the world. Embrace your thoughts! Maybe if you compress the water you can use it to launch yourself into space (metaphorically, of course?).

    Liked by 1 person

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