Why am I even trying?

What the hell is happening to me?!
Since when was I such a looser?
I swear I used to do light study a day before any test, and easily ace it.
Nowadays, it’s just the opposite if that. I have been studying for this maths test for almost a week. It’s not even an exam, or a big defining test, it’s just a simple stupid regular one.
I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I’LL EVEN PASS!
WHAT?! When did I become like this?!
And just to clarify – it’s just with maths. For now.
But the thing is that maths was supposed to be my main subject for senior year.
You see, in my country, and our useless rotten school system, you are divided into ‘scientific’ and ‘literary’ classes in sophomore year (11th Grade). I won’t even try to explain any of those because it’d take me ages – but if you’re interested just leave a comment 🙂
Anyway, in senior year, the literary class stays as it is, and the scientific classes have to choose between two options: SG (Sciences Générales=General Sciences) or SV (Sciences de la Vie=Life Sciences). Basically, SG is a synonym for a shitton of maths classes and SV for biology (chemistry as well but mainly biology). SG makes you an architect. SV makes you a doctor. Yes, being in the Middle East, the policy of “be a lawyer, a doctor or an architect or else you’re a failure” is dominant.
Ever since I discovered about these divisions, I had my mind almost non-questionably made up: I’m going to be an architect. I’m with maths.
Now wait a second. Sidenote. If it were up to what I want to do, I’d go into the literary section without even having to think twice. My ideal job would be to write. But 1) as I stated once or twice before, writing won’t make me a living, and 2) you’ve probably noticed that I’m a pretty shitty writer. This whole post for example is incoherant, jumps from idea to idea, and has no clear point or purpose. That’s aside from my practically inexistant style. But this is my blog and I can write whatever the fuck I like, so watch me do it. Lelz.
But yeah, I need something that will make me and my family live comfortably. And I thought I had it in the bag, considering how good I was at maths and physics.
Not anymore.
I used to feel like maths exams were just an application of what I knew. I would go in there, solve the paper and present it.
This year? I haven’t been able to complete even one single test. ONE! I know everything at home. I understand everything completely. But when it’s test time, I blank out. I’M NOT LIKE THIS! Am I getting that much affected by my friends, who do the same?
I’m glad I understand the stuff, but it’s taking me much more time than previously. Now that has to be a natural aspect of going up higher classes, but I look around and I see that some of my friends are having no trouble at all. Just like I used to be. WHY AM I NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE?! I am so lost! And devastated. I consider this a failure from my part. I was supposed to be the guy everyone knew he’d be successful. Now I’m basically sidelined.
I feel stupider now because I’m pretty sure I’ve made this kind of post at least once before. You must be tired of my whining and I’m sorry. I’m just totally lost. Where do I go from here? What do I do? One thing’s clear: if every maths test I’m going to do is going to go this bad, count me out. I want nothing to do with it. It’s stupid and pointless. Sorry maths geeks.
I thought about it a bit, and I have come to the random conclusion that I want to be a college professor. It just sounds like something I’d enjoy. Maybe physics, or chemistry… Just college, not high school. God no.
I’m rambling. When did I start writing this again? Oh god. I don’t even want to reread this. Sorry if I made you do it.

I mean… I forgot I was writing this and now I found the draft two whole days later. Why am I even. But you know quite a bit happened today and I might have a clearer idea? Make another post about it? Heck yeah I will.