Why am I even trying?

What the hell is happening to me?!
Since when was I such a looser?
I swear I used to do light study a day before any test, and easily ace it.
Nowadays, it’s just the opposite if that. I have been studying for this maths test for almost a week. It’s not even an exam, or a big defining test, it’s just a simple stupid regular one.
WHAT?! When did I become like this?!
And just to clarify – it’s just with maths. For now.
But the thing is that maths was supposed to be my main subject for senior year.
You see, in my country, and our useless rotten school system, you are divided into ‘scientific’ and ‘literary’ classes in sophomore year (11th Grade). I won’t even try to explain any of those because it’d take me ages – but if you’re interested just leave a comment πŸ™‚
Anyway, in senior year, the literary class stays as it is, and the scientific classes have to choose between two options: SG (Sciences GΓ©nΓ©rales=General Sciences) or SV (Sciences de la Vie=Life Sciences). Basically, SG is a synonym for a shitton of maths classes and SV for biology (chemistry as well but mainly biology). SG makes you an architect. SV makes you a doctor. Yes, being in the Middle East, the policy of “be a lawyer, a doctor or an architect or else you’re a failure” is dominant.
Ever since I discovered about these divisions, I had my mind almost non-questionably made up: I’m going to be an architect. I’m with maths.
Now wait a second. Sidenote. If it were up to what I want to do, I’d go into the literary section without even having to think twice. My ideal job would be to write. But 1) as I stated once or twice before, writing won’t make me a living, and 2) you’ve probably noticed that I’m a pretty shitty writer. This whole post for example is incoherant, jumps from idea to idea, and has no clear point or purpose. That’s aside from my practically inexistant style. But this is my blog and I can write whatever the fuck I like, so watch me do it. Lelz.
But yeah, I need something that will make me and my family live comfortably. And I thought I had it in the bag, considering how good I was at maths and physics.
Not anymore.
I used to feel like maths exams were just an application of what I knew. I would go in there, solve the paper and present it.
This year? I haven’t been able to complete even one single test. ONE! I know everything at home. I understand everything completely. But when it’s test time, I blank out. I’M NOT LIKE THIS! Am I getting that much affected by my friends, who do the same?
I’m glad I understand the stuff, but it’s taking me much more time than previously. Now that has to be a natural aspect of going up higher classes, but I look around and I see that some of my friends are having no trouble at all. Just like I used to be. WHY AM I NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE?! I am so lost! And devastated. I consider this a failure from my part. I was supposed to be the guy everyone knew he’d be successful. Now I’m basically sidelined.
I feel stupider now because I’m pretty sure I’ve made this kind of post at least once before. You must be tired of my whining and I’m sorry. I’m just totally lost. Where do I go from here? What do I do? One thing’s clear: if every maths test I’m going to do is going to go this bad, count me out. I want nothing to do with it. It’s stupid and pointless. Sorry maths geeks.
I thought about it a bit, and I have come to the random conclusion that I want to be a college professor. It just sounds like something I’d enjoy. Maybe physics, or chemistry… Just college, not high school. God no.
I’m rambling. When did I start writing this again? Oh god. I don’t even want to reread this. Sorry if I made you do it.

I mean… I forgot I was writing this and now I found the draft two whole days later. Why am I even. But you know quite a bit happened today and I might have a clearer idea? Make another post about it? Heck yeah I will.

30 thoughts on “Why am I even trying?

  1. Your talent hasn’t gone away, but you’re panicking. I’ve been feeling the same, I’ll go through phases when I’ll sort of just fail academically, BUT I know I can pick up again and you can too. Take some time away from revision, I’m pretty sure you can’t drill it in further and then give your mind time to find clarity. You already have the logic (something I don’t have) and now you just need to be apply that to the paper and if you focus on relaxation, this extra revision will go further.

    Most of all, I hope your okay and I promise you, that you will be amazing at whatever you decide to do in the future.


    Liked by 1 person

  2. Everyone experiences their own share of failure and disappointment. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.

    I kind of feel the same way with math. I hated it in high school. But I started appreciating it more in college, especially calculus. I guess what I’m saying is things change and people change, but no matter what happens, you can most certainly pick yourself up again. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The dominant careers and stuff? Same here! (Unfortunately literature is not included)

    Every year is tougher, and you have to work harder. Have some confidence, you’ve learnt and practiced, you can do it!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You’re getting older, the curriculum gets more difficult, and it becomes harder to grasp the concepts. I started feeling the same way when I started high school. Just don’t be too hard on yourself, you’ll get it eventually and you’re gonna do well on that test. Good luck! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I get what you mean about the dominant ‘lawyer, doctor, engineer or you’re a failure’. I understand what you feel about maths, God I do. It IS going to be tough. But once you set your mind to it, I’m POSITIVE you can do it. You mentioned you might want to go into the literature path. WELL, that’s awesome! And shush about not writing well, you’re amazing.Even though society must be weighing you down on what you SHOULD do, remember that your future is yours and yours only to choose and follow πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I KNOW how you feel!! I have (had) the exact same problem with the science-y subject. In Holland we have to chose between the science and the literary subjects too and I chose the science subjects and sometimes I really feel like maybe I’ve made the wrong choice. The only thing I can tell you is that you can do anything as long as you thing you CAN do it, also Maths. Good luck xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I think I see what’s going on here. You probably screwed up one test and dropped the ball and started feeling insecure about your abilities and then you started to drop the ball with more tests and eventually you started to feel like a failure. Listen. Feeling insecure and failing is all part of life. When I was in secondary school (about your grade level I think) I was HORRIBLE at math. I didn’t understand a word and I would fail nearly every paper. Thankfully with a lot and a lot of practice I was able to get a pass in my national exams but the point is that you aren’t doomed just because you’ve failed a couple of tests. You aren’t a failure and you aren’t in anyway incapable.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You know, your comment might have been the most helpful yet. You are so right! That did happen to me. I don’t know why, I mean I still understand nearly everything but once I did badly at the beginning of the year it went on the same. It’s not going to define my whole career! (I mean the only reason i want high grades is to get a scholarship but I guess I can always go to a public college). Thanks for making me think about this πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad I was able to help! It’s all about believing in yourself and being confident. Forget the failures and start anew with your next test. Get rid of the mindset that you are going to fail. If you keep thinking that you will fail, let me assure you that you certainly will. If you believe you will pass, you will. It’s all in your head. I believe in you! πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

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