Nostalgia…

Has it ever happened to you to stumble upon something that used to be very important to you online, and be seized with an urgent need to revisit that something?

Well, what if that something was someone?

And what if that someone is now unreachable?

About 3-4 yeas ago, i was the loneliest kid ever. I had literally no friends. I was sad and lonely and barely 13. My only escape was the internet, and even there i wasn’t completely welcome (because there was a general age limit of 13 on most sites and i was like twelve).

But the people on there were great. I related to them in a way i never did with anyone in person. I remember spending most of my time in the Pet Society forums (AHH THE MEMORIES UGH I WANT IT BACK T_T), Hogwarts Live,  Poudlard.org (which is Hogwarts in French) and countless other sites.

There was this guy I met in a quiz site. He messaged me one day about a typo in my bio, and the conversation started from there. He was French and at that time i was fascinated by France and basically my life’s goal was to live there. Most if our conversation at first was about our countries, then it developed into lifestyle and personal life (to a reasonable extent). He quickly became one of my best friends. Yup, i was that lonely.

Soon we were talking regularly and sharing confessions. I felt connected to him, and like I finally had a real friend who cares.

One day, he messaged me saying that he talked to his parents about me and they said that it would be nice if i could go to their country and discover it; they would be happy to wecome me o stay at their home.

I almost cried. I wasn’t sure why.

I remember when I read his message I was sleeping at my Grandma’s house with my sisters and cousins. I was staring disbelievingly at my laptop, unsure how to feel.

One thing was for sure: there was no way I could go. First of all, costs. The trip probably would have set me back 1000$+. Oh, and I was 13 with no money. And my parents could never pay that, not out of greed, but they barely could pay our tuition fees, let alone a touristic trip. It wasn’t just that; there were other reasons, like me being 13 and alone in an unknown country with strangers. Heck, I didn’t even dare telling my parents I had an online friend! They’d ban me from the internet. They weren’t completely wrong in thinking that it was dangerous, thinking of it now I’m thankful I was lucky enough that I didn’t meet anyone dangerous.

No, the actual reason I was getting emotional was because of the invitation itself.

Like… He really thought of me. He told his parents about me. I meant something to him, he considered me a friend, he wanted me to visit him! Me! The guy no one likes or cares about. Had I had the possibility, we could have met, and stayed friends, until I returned to France to live there, so I would have someone i know there!

The feeling was truly overwhelming. I didn’t know how to reply. Plus, I feared he was only pranking me to see how I’d react. Yep, I was insecure like that (still am).

I told him all of that. He seemed a bit disappointed, and I secretly hoped he would be. He said that I could achieve anything if I put my mind to it and nothing was impossible (that was too clichΓ©), and that if I ever decided to visit he’d welcome me ‘with open arms and a smile on his lips’. Exactly these words. I remember them fully.

After about a year, in 9th grade, I made my first friends. I could barely believe it, and I was so overjoyed that I kind of stopped talking to Egg (let’s call him that). I made some attempts at rekindling our friendship, but I was somewhat uninterested. I really regret that now.

The other day I reread our whole conversations. I metaphorically teared up a little. I suddenly missed him so much, and started to panic for some reason. What if I couldn’t contact him anymore? I ran to Facebook.

His profile was deleted.

My fears were confirmed.

I was so mad at myself. How could I have let this happen!?

I messaged him on the old quiz site, but I was sure that was a lost cause, since he hadn’t been on it for like 2 years.

And that’s how I think I’ve lost (yet again) one of my closest friends.

I still hope he’ll read my message one day and know that I didn’t completely forget about him.

And I really hope it isn’t too late… In more ways than one.

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17 thoughts on “Nostalgia…

  1. This makes my heart ache, for you, and for everything. I know how you feel, because I’ve had this, and it just makes you feel horrible – you remember what it was like. You remember the old feelings and the old happiness. But you’ve moved on from it, even if it still hurts and you wish you knew what happened to him.

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    1. Yes, unfortunately it’s not knowing what happened, or what could have happened, is what hurts the most. I’m going threw a ‘withdrawal’ period, even though it’s been like two years since I’ve talked to that person. As you said, I’ll move on eventually πŸ™‚ and thank you for reading

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        1. OH, AND ELM – I haven’t forgotten about the guest post, I feel guilty for not having finished yet >_< I'll give it my best. It's not everyday I get the opportunity to write as Miranda on a superbly addictive blog (alright – I get it – I've overused the superbly addictive anecdote way too much now. I'll stop. Promise.)

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  2. This made me feel so sad for you 😦 you really deserved to continue that amazing friendship and I’m so sorry he seems to have disappeared from online. Maybe one day you’ll speak again – oh god I really hope you do.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my god, I literally know how you feel. This has happened to me with two friends — BEST friends — who were both, like, the most important part of my childhood. One of them I have no way to contact, and the other is just… lost (sorry about the vagueness, but that’s really the best way to summarize it). It still hurts to think about them, about what we shared and what we didn’t get to continue. Oh god, it HURTS. Like anything.

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