I am currently in the middle of a pre-wedding party, much like the one I talked about last month in my ‘Yay! I’m still up’ post.
However, this time, I’m not really that concerned and I’m just sitting on a table watching people dance to this tribal arabic music of ours, minding my own business, waiting for the groom’s family to arrive so we can make a big deal about it then go home.
Meanwhile, I decided now was a pretty good moment to continue my story about music & choir that I started in my last post. You know, wedding parties, blog-writing… Goes perfectly well together.
Where were we…
As I had started my story, it all began with the Choir posters that were plastered all over the school hallways. I wasn’t interested the slightest bit in the idea, not that I didn’t like singing (as I’ve counted in detail in the last post), but it just seemed too far-fetched, somehow.
The ‘trigger’ was my friend, who I shall nickname Mini for confidential purposes. (Just kidding. There’s nothing confidential about this. It just seems cool. Also, I called him Mini because his short height is a running joke between our group of friends.)
He was a member of choir, and I guess they either needed more numbers or he didn’t have enough friends there. So he asked us all if we’d join, it would be fun, and all that. I jokingly said yes. I didn’t have the faintest idea that his response would be something like ‘great! So you’ll do it?’ I was quite taken aback so I said I’d think about it by tomorrow.
And I did think about it. A lot. Being me, I started making my mental list of cons and negative points and down sides. I couldn’t really think of much.
The awfulest thing is that I’d be laughed at. But the auditions were private, and the nun responsible for everything choir was known to be very nice. All I had to do was just not tell anyone I’m going to try out, and if it doesn’t work out, then no one would know.
Still, I wasn’t really a big fan of being turned down. Sure, I’ve been rejected many times, but that’s in the friendship/romance field. In other fields, however, I was used to being successful. The prospect of trying out for something I wanted and then not getting it is very unappealing, especially because I’d have commited and tried my hardest to make it work. I hate being a failure at anything – and I am at a LOT of things. That’s why I’m careful with what I set out to do.
However, there were so many positives. I could finally have a place where it’s considered completely normal to sing freely and openly. I’d become closer to Mini, somehow (I like getting closer to my friends way more than having friends-slash-acquaintances, it just boosts my well-being), and maybe even make some other friends who might share some interests. I’d have a sense of true commitment in my life. Most importantly, I’d belong to a community.
That’s why, the next day, I said that I’d give it a shot. Mini was thrilled.
The natural thing to do for me in such a situation was to start preparing as much as I could. I asked Mini what would come up in my audition and he told me that I’d be asked to sing a religious hymn of my choice, then some vocal exercices to see how far my voice reaches, and whether I could hit the right notes.
I practiced all of these continuously. I chose a hymn I was used to and sang it in all the possible tones. My sisters’ taunts were growing louder and meaner but I didn’t even care at that point. When I’m accepted in, they’ll feel stupid for saying my voice was a joke.
The thing is that, in the last few days, I started to believe that myself. I was growing more and more insecure by the hour.
On the audition day, when I woke up, I was in complete denial and disbelief. What the fuck is wrong with you? I asked myself. Since when are you a singer?! How do you get these genius ideas to get us embarrassed?! What the hell were you thinking? Forget it. We’re done.
I had actually convinced myself to just give up right then. So I texted Mini telling him that I changed my mind. But he replies ‘oh hell no I already spoke to the leader she booked you an audition time and all and I’ve told all the choir you’re auditioning today so see ya there’.
All the middle-finger emojis I sent him then couldn’t fix the fact that I was doomed, that it wasn’t my choice anymore and that I had to go and probably make a fool of myself. Rosary Choir… These people sang in the Vatican last year! How did I for one second think I’m a match for those standards?! Ugh.
To be completely honest, I was quite a bit thankful too. Not just afterwards, but before. I had to be thrown into things. Always. I’m much too indecisive to make up my mind about any mildly important decision, and I’m always relying on the extra push. It came from him. Even if I went and failed, at least I could give myself the satisfaction that I tried (same ego-boosting method I had employed each time I got turned away by a girl. Works pretty well.)
At 3:00 PM, I was at the choir room at school, so nervous I barely registered what was going on. The only other people there were two girls who looked like they’d been chorists for years (which it turned out they were). They were busy decorating for some event, but they still seemed to know that I’m the new guy who’s auditioning. I cursed Mini in my mind and soul. Later, two others came, sat at the piano, and started singing Ave Maria. I was in awe at how beautiful they sounded (I always had weak spot for that song), but I was also starting to feel suicidal.
After a while, the leader/nun I talked about earlier (let’s call her Sister M) finally arrived. My nervousness reached new peaks. She greeted me (she somehow knew my name), and asked me to begin our audition right away. I looked pitifully in her eyes and said something like ‘ohumlikenowomgyeahokay’
. The four girls left the room and wished me good luck. I’ll need loads of that, you bet, I told myself.
Sister M sat down at the piano and told me to stand in front of her with good and relaxed posture. I tried my best.
‘Have you ever been a part of a singing group?’ She asked me.
‘Have you sang in public before?’
‘Do you have any experience in singing? Has anyone told you that you have a good voice?’
At that point, I pretty much wanted to make a run for it and sprint out of the doors. These questions confirmed all my worries. What was I doing here? I’m gonna get screwed.
Listen, guys, I’m sorry that all my posts lately have been divided and sequelized and all that. I’m also sorry if it’s annoying. But I can’t find another way to do this. I’ll try my best to get back to my usual posting style. Damn you, school.
Anyway, this time it won’t take long since it’s nearly finished, so I’ll post it either tonight or tomorrow. See you then!