But oh how I wish I was.
Wouldn’t it make everything easier?
To just forget about feelings. To not give a fuck. To not worry. To not care. To not love.
I imagine what it would be like to live without thinking about the future, about someone you love, about all the things that are wrong with you. But as Marina helpfully states, I’m Vulnerable, I Am Not A Robot.
Isn’t Voldemort the lucky one in the end? He doesn’t love anybody. He doesn’t care if his girlfriend cheated on him, or if his heart has been crushed, or if someone he loves died. That means nothing to him. All he wants is power. On the other hand, that made him pure evil. Would I rather be evil or vulnerable?
Love is weakness. And I know that’s something he said. But he never experienced it to know. People who have loved know that love and caring make you weak.
Is there no middle solution? Does it have to be either love or evilness?
Maybe there is something in the middle of feeling love and feeling hate.
And I suspect this something to be depression. To not be able to feel anything. To not want anything. To just exist with no purpose, while not being influenced by anything that happens.
This makes the whole thing even harder. Do I want to be weak, evil, or nothing? Is there no other option?
There is. And that is suicide.
End the whole thing.
While suicide is relief, it is also weakness. At least for me. So by chosing suicide, you’re giving in. You’re admitting to be weak. Just like with love.
The difference is that there is a courageous weakness, and a cowardly weakness. If you decide to go on, to continue, to admit your weakness and to embrace it, if you decide that you’d rather be influenced by your feelings than not be able to feel anything anymore, that makes you strong.
That makes you human.
I am NOT a robot.