Do I want to be somebody else?

What can i write about…

Hmm…

Maybe that pretty much everyone is at the town festival and I’m sitting at my Grandma’s house eating chips?

Why am I like this? Well that’s kind of a dumb question. I’m like this because I have social anxiety.

But whyyy?

What made me like I am today?

Reading? Studying? Spending hours online?

Or are those things the result of my social anxiety?

I am so confused.

I know I said I wish I was like everybody else, but I also don’t. Not just because I can’t, but because I don’t really want to.

Less than an hour ago I was sitting next to a group of guys, and they were basically rating girls. ‘Nice’. ‘Okayish’. ‘Meh’. ‘Fugly’. ‘She makes Miranda Sings look like Miss USA’; etc.
I don’t want to be like that at all. It’s not just feminism, it’s also really disrespectful. Sure, if I see a girl I’m gonna think oh she looks nice or meh not my type but that’s normal. Holding gatherings and giving each girl a label; that’s unacceptable.

But at least they have the confidence to talk to said girls. Unless someone introduces me, I can’t muster the courage to approach anyone.

I don’t want to be obsessed with sports and footballs or any balls in general, but I also would like it if I at least knew how to play. My fitness level is horrifying. I mean I’m not overweight, and I honestly don’t know how or why (I guess dance sessions do make a difference), but I’m no athlete.

What else… I guess these are the main things I despise about myself (at least, those are the things that I feel slightly comfortable sharing).

I have somewhat accepted the idea that I’m different and that I will forever be so. I still like to wonder what would have happened to me if I wasn’t like this. Would I be as successful at school? Would I have the same friends? I doubt it.

I’m still happy with my books and my computer, though. For now. I know people judge me for it, but I’ve come across a quote that has been quite helpful in situations where I feel I’m being judged: what others think of me is none of my business.

So I’m holding on to that.

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